


Good Things Never Last Forever

by Crazyaniknowit



Series: I Don't Care But I Do [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Happy Sex, Hurts So Good, M/M, Oh My God, Sad Ending, Sweet Sex, Took me forever to write this, i sprinkled it with fluff and sex tho, sad sex, seriously this part is sad, sexy sex, you name it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-06-22 10:07:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15579564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyaniknowit/pseuds/Crazyaniknowit
Summary: Sometimes the things we do out of love hurt the ones we love the most. Sometimes the things we do out of love are the wrong choices. And sometimes we do things in the name of love...and we regret it.





	Good Things Never Last Forever

**Author's Note:**

> OH MY GOD
> 
> This took forever. I literally believed I could fit all this shit into 5k words. Boy was I fucking wrong! Also I was without wifi for a while so I took the time to draw a few pieces for this, some more sketchy than others, hope you enjoy my inconsistent style. ಥ⌣ಥ
> 
> Also fair warning this ending is bittersweet. Very bitter...not so much sweet. Also very dramatic, sometimes I had to pause and sigh at myself and be like "Really?" 
> 
> Enjoy this absolute monster of a 5th part. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧  
> (title from Filthy Pride, Social Repose)   
> (art by me)

"Hey, are you okay?"

Keith turned from where he was staring out the window, watching the rain fall, and back to James, whom he had been sharing companionable silence with while they worked on their homework. James wasn't looking at him, tapping his finger against his tablet, chin rested upon his free hand while he read over his work with an air of boredom, or weariness. It was hard to say at that point.

"I'm fine." Keith murmured, glancing down at his own work before his gaze trailed back to the window, thoughts churning and his gut clenching.

"I guess I should rephrase my question." James sighed, turning to face him and tapping his shoulder to make Keith look at him again.

Keith turned just enough that he could see James clearly.

"Are you going to _tell me_ what's wrong?" James asked. "You're really bad at hiding it when you're upset, you know."

Keith crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, a frown pulling at his lips and his brows pinched together. "It's nothing important."

"Oh really? But it's important enough for you to sulk over."

Keith tsked, rolling his eyes, "I'm not sulking."

"Brooding."

He let his gaze flick over to James, who wasn't smiling to accompany his playful words. He looked sad on Keith's behalf, and Keith didn't respond beyond a sigh when James reached to clasp his shoulder, thumb making small circles and reminding Keith of the intimacy they shared before. It wasn't like all warmth was lost between them. And while it did take some adjustment - a few more stolen kisses and maybe a couple inappropriate touches every here and there - they were actually settling rather comfortably into the role of simple friends.

It did make it somewhat awkward knowing that his friend was in love with him, and it still wrenched his chest with guilt when he thought about it. Because even if he cared for James...a lot...he still didn't love him quite that way. It made him sadder to think of that.

"It's...." Keith mumbled, reaching up to rub at his temple, "I _would_ talk about it but...it's just the subject matter. I don't really want to make you listen to me rambling about _him_." he said pointedly, and he felt James stiffen as he deciphered his meaning.

"You mean Shiro?" James clarified, and Keith's silence confirmed it. "Hmm." James hummed, looking down for a moment, "Well...what if I _want_ to hear your rambling?" he said as he removed his hand from Keith's shoulder and hunched his own, resting his weight against his elbows on the able.

"James..." Keith whispered.

"It's _okay_ , Keith. I told you before, remember?" James said, though the bitter undertone of his voice let Keith know that what he had done was still hurting him. He supposed even apologies and forgiveness could never wipe a foul deed away completely.

"Only if you're sure."

"I am." James looked at him, and even through the pain lingering in his eyes he managed to channel fiery determination in his expression. Enough to make Keith relent and heave a sigh.

"I'm worried about him is all." Keith said, and James shuffled as he spoke, "I suppose I've been a bit like you, wondering if he's okay but I haven't asked because I'm afraid to make him to have to talk about it if he doesn't want to. I don't want to make him doubt himself like everyone else did. I know his decision to go to Kerberos...changed things - _personal_ things - for him. I'm just not sure how much." Keith turned to face the window again, "He looks so sad sometimes."

The silence was accompanied by the steadily heavier pattering of rain and the occasional thunderclap, growing closer and further away in a rhythmic melody that would be soothing if not for the tense air in the room.

"So do you." James muttered. And Keith turned to him with a rueful smile.

"What?"

"You look sad sometimes."

Keith have him a solemn look, "So do _you_." he said, and James looked at him out of the corner of his eye. Keith met his gaze for maybe a moment too long, and then he blinked and looked down at his lap, sighing heavily. "I'm going to miss him. When he goes." he added, "That's the last I'll say." James nodded, turning his head, and Keith had the urge to hug him, even though he didn't necessarily like hugging people. There was only one - Keith glanced at James - okay, maybe _two_ people in his life who he would hug willingly. But the last time he had done that...

He bit his lip and closed his eyes as the memories from months past came unbidden. Memories of desperate touches, soft kisses, and tender lovemaking. It couldn't even be labeled as something less personal like fucking. Because although he didn't necessarily love James in the way he wanted, they still _made love_ that night. And sometimes Keith still wanted to do it again. But he didn't, because they had told eachother that would be the last. And even with their close calls they both had the good sense to stop one another and part ways. Keith would go back to his room, hug his pillow to his chest and stare at the wall when that happened. He didn't know what James did to cope with their shift in relationship, but he would wager if it was as bad as it was for him, it could only be ten times worse for the boy _in love_ with him.

Keith hesitated when he realized he had his hand hovering over James' shoulder, and he drew it back with a stuttering breath. "Are you done?" he asked, referring to the tablet.

James shook his head, "Still have a couple pages." he said, rather quietly.

Keith returned to his tablet and found it mostly blank, and he sighed as he let his forehead thunk against the table. "Ugh...this is gonna take me all day."

"Just do it later. You're too _distracted_ right now." James said, and it felt more like a jab than a tease. Though it didn't make Keith bristle as he would have if someone else said it in that tone. Because he knew James now and he also knew that this was how James retaliated when he didn't want to deal with his emotions.

"James?" Keith prodded.

James hunched his shoulders further and Keith listened to the little wet breaths he was trying noticeably hard not to give away.

"James, if you want to t-"

"I gotta go." James stood abruptly and grabbed his tablet, walking away too quickly for Keith to even blink. He just watched him go, lips parted and his eyes sad. Keith turned to his tablet and pressed the button to power it down. James was right, he wasn't getting anywhere with one distraction on his brain...he was going to be stuck forever with _two_.

* * *

* * *

James gradually started avoiding him during the weeks leading up to the Kerberos launch. It started out with small things. He couldn't make it to the library, too busy to eat at the cafeteria, different flight partners in group SIMs. Too tired.

_"I was asleep."_

_"I forgot."_

**Read: 07:50**

**Read: 18:32**

So on and so forth.

Keith let it slide, and he let it slide too _much_. Because now it was like they weren't even friends at all anymore. Keith wanted to fix the situation, again, but he just didn't know how. He would text James and he wouldn't get replies. And he wondered if this was how their relationship built on pain and emotional abuse then tethered together by a fragile rope of mutual affection finally fell apart. Keith hugged his knees to his chest and rubbed his temples to soothe his headache, blinking as he wondered over what to do.

But this was always how it went, wasn't it?

Keith grit his teeth and buried his face in his clothed knees, shaking as he bit back a sob. Because in the end...in the end _everybody_ left.

His mom. He never even _knew_ her.

His dad. Even if it wasn't on purpose.

Shiro. Even though he was happy for him to go live his dream, even though he knew he would be back...it still stung to know he would be gone so _long_.

And then James. Because of his own idiocies and mistakes, another person pushed away and all he could do was watch it happen.

Keith curled his fists where they rested and raised his head, determined and having had enough. Why was he just stepping aside to let this happen? Afraid of hurting James. But he couldn't walk on eggshells if it meant he was going to lose another person. Keith stood and grabbed his jacket, making his way down the halls, taking every familiar turn until he wound up in front of that door and had his hand raised, ready to knock.

Only he didn't knock, he froze up and his spine ran cold. He pushed but his hand didn't listen to his brain. He let his arm fall to his side, and then he raised it again, and then repeated the process.

Keith curled both arms around himself and bit his lip, resting his forehead against the smooth metal of the door and heaving a quiet sigh.

"I wasn't even in there."

He jumped and spun in place, crossing his arms and turning his head away from where James had a tentative smile on his face. "I..."

"How long were you waiting?" James asked as he walked past him and keyed in his passcode for the door. One Keith knew by now, but wouldn't use unless invited to.

Keith mulled over what to say while he followed James' gesture to come in, and he leaned against the wall - closed off - while he thought it through. "I didn't knock." he whispered, and he saw James go still, waiting. "I just..." he trailed off before he could even begin, hanging his head and rubbing his own fingers against his arm as an act of self-comfort. "Didn't want to be alone." he added lamely.

"Why didn't you go to _Shiro_ , then?"

Keith raised his head, unable to fight the pained way his brows furrowed and his lips turned into a frown, lower lip wobbling slightly as he reined in his emotions. "Shiro...isn't _avoiding_ me." he rasped, and he was surprised at just how emotional this was making him. He turned away and stepped over to the corner, sliding down against the wall and hugging his knees to his chest. "What did I do?" he wondered aloud, and James approached him cautiously.

Keith pressed his hand to his forehead and inhaled through his teeth, screwing his eyes shut and gulping so he wouldn't choke on the lump in his throat.

"Keith?"

"Why does everyone always leave?" Keith murmured to himself, and it was as if James wasn't even there. He rocked himself lightly and watched his vision go blurry, rather dissociated with James placing a hand on his knee.

"Keith."

"I can't have nobody again!" Keith clapped a hand over his mouth at the outburst, a soft sob escaping him as he tucked his chin over his knees. "Not _again_."

" _Keith_..." James' voice wavered.

Keith shuddered and reached up to cover James' hand with his own, "Why are you avoiding me?" he rasped, and at James' silence he lifted his head, if just barely. " _Did_ I do something? What did I do wrong this time?"

James looked desperate, eyes shining with tears not yet shed and his lips parted at a loss for words. "Keith...I don't know how to explain." he eventually said, and Keith sniffed, wiping at his eyes and hiding his face again. He couldn't stop his quiver, so he just sat there, shaking.

"I thought I could fix it." Keith murmured.

"You _did_ , Keith it's not about that." James tried.

"Then what _is_ it about?" Keith didn't lift his head, didn't look up to see James' face twist into sympathy and pain and guilt. "If I fixed it then why are you pulling away?"

"Because I can't _do this_ anymore." James said, earnest and desperate.

Keith looked up at him then, the weariness and the break in his voice drawing his attention.

"I thought it was better after we stopped...I mean- _ugh_ \- I thought it _would_ be better. After we stopped being...whatever we were." James was rambling, looking away and wiping furiously at his eyes. "And then I just... It's not fair to us. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to you to hope when I know it won't happen. It's like you're killing me every single day." he finished in a hoarse whisper.

Keith stared, familiar with the feeling, familiar with the reasoning, and suddenly understanding dawned upon him.

"I figured it would-"

"Hurt less if you pushed me away." Keith finished, and then he let his back rest against the wall, tears flowing freely but his face gone blank and his gaze pinned to the floor.

"I mean- it's not exactly....not like _that_." James floundered.

"Yeah it is. I know it is." Keith said, "I do it myself. I  _tried_ to do it to Shiro."

James flinched at the mention, and Keith closed his eyes. Because of course this was the case. James was like him after all, in too many ways.

"If that's what you want." Keith finally said, and James recoiled a bit, growing crestfallen as Keith turned his gaze upon him. "It's okay. I get it." he said as he pushed himself to his feet and strode around James where he was knelt on the floor.

"Keith..." James whispered. "Wha- _Keith!_ "

Keith didn't answer, he let the door slide shut and then he was running. Running somewhere he didn't know. Maybe James tried to follow, but his ears were pounding with each beat of his heart, the ringing and the desperation of his breath drowning out everything and anything else until he was hopping onto his hoverbike and he was off to the city. He probably wasn't supposed to be out...hell, even if he wasn't he probably wouldn't get back before curfew. He didn't care. He drove until he reached it, and he hopped off his bike and slowed himself as he entered, taking a deep breath. He glanced half-heartedly at the grey stones as he passed them, wondering belatedly if maybe he should have brought some flowers. But it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. So he stumbled and sank to his knees in front of his dad's, and he ran his fingers through the blades of grass growing there, bright and green and too cheerful for a graveyard.

"Hey Dad." he rasped, and then his face crumpled and he was crying, because he couldn't say anything else and he hadn't been back in ages and life just wasn't fucking _fair_. He curled up onto his side, feeling awful for laying there but he didn't feeling like moving anywhere more appropriate. He stared up at his dad's headstone as his tears slowed over the course of a couple hours. The sun was starting to set and the night chill was brushing against his skin. He shivered, drawing his jacket up around his neck, wishing he hadn't chosen shorts, but the weather had been getting warmer and he hadn't thought he would be spending time out here.

"You know I wonder if I should have stayed. He might have changed his mind. Maybe." he murmured to the carved stone letters, plucking a blade of grass and examining it without interest. "Maybe I just made things worse." he gave a self-depreciating laugh, "Of _course_ I did." Keith sniffled and wiped at his eyes again. "I think I've cried more over the past two years than I have in a lifetime." he glanced up at the stone again, "Is that something I get from Mom? I don't remember you ever crying. But then again, maybe I never did know you long enough to see it."

He let the wind take the blade away from his fingers, watching it fly away a short distance before it fell to be lost with the rest of the grass. He hummed as he rolled onto his back, staring up at the oranges and purples of the dimming sky, the faint twinkle of stars as they came into view. "I can barely remember what it was like _with_ you. But I know it's really hard without you." he sighed, bled dry of his tears and too tired to muster up any more. He closed his eyes and he didn't even realize he had succumbed to sleep until he woke to the sound of a car driving by way too fast and too loud.

He jerked awake and sat up, the deep blue of a far too early morning blanketing everything. He wiped at his eyes and shivered, rubbing his arms as he squinted up at the sky. It must have been just about five in the morning. Maybe. The sun wasn't rising anytime soon.

Keith stood on shaky legs, more from the cold than an uncomfortable night on the grass. This was stupid. He mused to himself as he started his hoverbike. He really should have just gone to his room. Granted the experience was a little cathartic, but he might catch a cold now that all was said and done and with the Kerberos launch only days away he couldn't afford to be sick in bed. He needed to be there to see Shiro off at least.

The ride back was quiet, no songbirds in the desert to start chirping in the encroaching daylight. There was just the dull roar of the engines and the whisk of wind in his ears, his hair. He enjoyed it, he enjoyed the pale blues that started to rise over the mountain, accompanied by soft yellows and pinks. It was a nice sunrise, and he parked his bike in the garage just as the sun peeked over the horizon.

He made his way to his room and closed the door behind him, shivering as he stripped and got into the shower, water hot to wash away the chill that had taken root in his skin and his bones. His toes burned in the heat and he sat down on the floor of the tub to rub some feeling back into them, and after his body stopped aching he just sat and let the water run over him until it grew cold. He got out and toweled off, going to sit on his bed, and then he noticed his phone sitting there. There was a text from Shiro, letting him know how early he would need to be up for the launch, and he sent a thanks back. There were three missed calls from James, and he stared at them.

He screwed his eyes shut and turned the phone off, tossing it to the side.

If James was just a friend then why did it hurt so much?

He supposed he answered his own question. But losing friends didn't hurt this bad... _right?_ He wouldn't really know, but he had a feeling the ache in his chest was from something deeper than friendship and instead of making him want to fix what had befallen them it _terrified_ him. Drove him away. He knew what he felt for Shiro...this was too _close_...this wasn't right.

Keith buried his face in his hands and shook his head. Trying to decipher his feelings was just too complicated.

* * *

* * *

"Stay safe up there."

Shiro laughed, nodding, "Yeah, yeah." He said wearily, as if he had heard the phrase a thousand times. He probably had...but Keith didn't mean it like _that_.

Keith smiled, looking toward him and letting his gaze go soft, "I'll be waiting for you." he murmured. He knew it was a rather overtly intimate thing to say, but he said it anyway, pulse racing as the words left his lips.

Shiro blinked and looked at him, gaze flicking between either of his eyes and his brows furrowed ever so slightly.

If he was looking for a hidden meaning behind Keith's words...well, he wasn't wrong to. But it wasn't the point. Keith would be there for him regardless of whether he returned his affections. Shiro hummed and then smiled, small and warm. Keith chuckled as he clasped his shoulder and nodded. "Thanks." Shiro sighed, and Keith caught the way he turned his head to scan the base almost forlornly, as if looking for someone. When he didn't seem to find it he turned a more controlled smile Keith's way, and then after a moment's hesitance Keith found himself melting into a firm hug. "I'm gonna miss you." Shiro said.

"Gonna miss you too." Keith mumbled against his shoulder, still not quite tall enough to prop his chin upon it. Keith's smile grew wide as he pulled back, "I'm proud of you."

Shiro looked borderline emotional as he visibly gulped, turning his head toward the shuttle that would be his home for the next year. Keith tried not to think about how his left hand massaged subtly at his right forearm. "I just can't believe it's happening." he breathed.

"You deserve it." Keith said, and Shiro glanced at him, flashing a toothy grin and throwing his arm around Keith's shoulder and ruffling his hair as he walked them away.

"By the time I get back you'll be ready to start flying missions." he said.

Keith chuckled, "Maybe."

"Which planet are you going to visit first, you think?" Shiro prodded, "Mars? Jupiter?"

Keith hummed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He never did answer the question, just offering a shrug and then a final goodbye before he watched the launch a few hours later.

* * *

* * *

After Shiro left for Kerberos Keith went about his days in a daze, ignoring others, studying, flying the SIMs. He would look up sometimes to see James looking back and he would afford himself a few seconds to meet his gaze before he would wrench it away. There were no texts or calls after the first day. And Keith knew they had mutually agreed to break away from one another without even talking about it. It was for the best. James could move on, Keith could fill the days with his work and sort through his feelings without confusion.

He was aware of the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. He was aware of how he had to blink awake during lectures. He was aware of James glancing his way when his head slipped from the cradle of his hand and he gasped awake. And he was aware of how pathetic he was.

He knew it was better for them to part ways. He knew it. He _knew_...

So why did he spend his nights staring at his ceiling and running the various ways it could've ended differently through his head, or rather never ended at all? He liked what they had. He liked the companionship James provided. He liked him. He liked being around him. He missed him.

He _missed_ him.

He picked his phone up and opened up James' contact, and then he shook his head and put his phone back down. Rolling onto his side, he went to sleep and tried to forget.

But it kept nagging him. For days he would pull up James' number and even type out text messages before he chickened out and erased them before he could hit send. It was easier to make the first move when James was angry at him, he wasn't angry at him now. Neither of them were angry at each other. At least Keith hoped not. So he was afraid to confront him. He was afraid that it would go badly. He was afraid that it would go _well_. Because he wasn't looking for friendship this time.

Keith had had two months to think about it. And the way his heart longed...it was the same as it was for Shiro. He wasn't sure if it was possible or even _right_ to love two people at once. But he did. And he knew Shiro didn't see him that way. He knew he was like a little brother to Shiro. He knew it the whole time but he had hoped that _maybe_ one day...

He was stupid. Keith knew he was stupid. That would _never_ happen. And maybe he should give himself a chance to love someone who he knew loved him back?

The texts were an epic fail, calls were worse, he never even tried once. He was contemplating using a note like he had last time. But it wasn't anything he purposefully did that eventually brought him to James' doorstep. He hadn't been sleeping well for a long time, and that nightmare was too vivid. The worst ones were the ones you couldn't even remember, after all. It made him wake shaking and terrified and unable to relax when the slightest noise reached his ears or the shadows moved.

Keith knocked, and then he cringed and smacked his forehead, shaking his head at himself. What was he _doing?_ Knocking again. That's what he was doing, because he was desperate and alone and scared and he _needed_ _James_.

He _needed_ him.

"James?" he called against the door, and then it was sliding open and a pajama-clad James was standing there looking positively shocked.

"K-Keith? What are you doing here?" James asked, and Keith pushed past him to go curl up on his bed facing the wall, grabbing the second pillow and hugging it to his chest, taking comfort in the familiar scent, one he hadn't had the pleasure of surrounding himself with in ages. He quivered and shook and his heart raced, but the knowledge that he wasn't alone in a dark room anymore allowed him to close his eyes without the terrors painting the insides of his eyelids. "Keith?" James was close, probably leaning over the bed.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Keith murmured, voice small. " _Please_."

" _Stay?_ " James prodded, sounding both suspicious and hopeful.

"I just..." Keith began, burying his face in the fabric of the pillow, "I don't want to be alone."

There was barely five second's hesitation before the rustle of sheets and then James was sliding in beside him, not quite touching Keith and laying the blanket over his shoulders. "Okay." James said. Keith rolled over to face him and hugged him, strange and foreign as it was. Even back then they didn't _do_ hugging. Hell, he had never been in a bed with James while _clothed_ , it almost made him laugh to think it. But he didn't want anything else now, he just wanted the way James laid his one arm over his waist and let Keith pillow his head on his other.

"Thank you." Keith whispered, eyes closed and chest rising with deep, relaxing breaths that were on their way to lulling him to sleep. "M'sorry." he added, too sleepy to see if James responded in any way beyond the way he tightened his hold on Keith's hip, thumb rubbing a soothing circle into the skin where his sleep shirt rode up.

He didn't even know what he was sorry for.

He woke in the early hours of the morning, the sun still fresh over the horizon while he himself was cradled in warmth and cocooned in James' arms. The other boy was awake and stroking his hair, and Keith wondered if he had slept at all or if he was just an early riser. It brought a small pang to his heart when he realized he had never slept through the night with James. They had always parted ways afterwards when they were still... _fuckbuddies_ , he supposed was the right word for it. He _knew_ James...but these quiet, domestic things like how he slept were foreign to him. It hurt to think about.

"Hey." James said when Keith shuffled and squirmed enough to look up and see more than his sharp chin.

Keith turned his gaze to the ceiling and gulped, "Hey."

"Are you okay?" James asked, "You seemed really upset last night."

Keith shook his head, "I...you're right. I _was_ upset." he murmured.

"What about?" James removed his hand from Keith's hair and fidgeted with the blanket, trying and failing to give the situation a more platonic air.

"Just a bad dream." Keith murmured.

James hummed, "I noticed you haven't been sleeping."

Keith looked down and tweaked the edge of the blanket with his fingers, silent and affirming.

"Any particular reason?" James prodded, and Keith heard that thread of speculation in his voice. The tone he used when he referred to Shiro. Bitter and attempting to be kind about it.

Keith smiled without mirth. "James." he sighed as he turned to him and propped himself up on his elbow. "Tell me if I'm overstepping." he said, and James went still as he pressed his lips to his, completely chaste and only in the interest of conveying feelings.

"Keith _what_ -"

"I like you." Keith added, smiling and blinking away the sting that tried to pester him to tears. "I like you _a lot_ and I was so _stupid_." he said. James stared at him, eyes wide and jaw agape and looking like he thought he was dreaming. "I'm serious, James. I...don't know if it's love but I want to try."

James didn't answer.

"I..." Keith gulped and turned his gaze down, "I know we thought it would be better apart and maybe we were right but I'm selfish. I want to hear your voice, I want to be next to you all the time. I don't want any distance anymore. I don't _want_ -" he cut himself off as he choked on his breath. "James I don't want you to be a stranger and I don't want you to be a...a _friend_." he paused to look up, and James' eyes were shimmering even as he smiled at Keith. "I want to be _more_ than that."

James laughed wetly and Keith felt his ears and cheeks go hot as he looked down, biting his lip.

"If you don't want this too-"

"Where the _fuck_ did you get that idea? Of course I want this too!" James exclaimed. "I've wanted this for half a year! God you're so _stupid_."

"Yeah." Keith managed to say as James grabbed the back of his head and pulled him close enough to kiss him, once, twice, and then a third time, initiating a soft slide of lips and tongue. "James." he said, and he could barely pull back enough to say that before he was surging back into James' lips in kind with the other boy. " _James_..." it was more of a sigh and it wasn't even necessarily a vie for his attention.

"Mmm?"

"Nothing. Kiss me again." Keith said, and James laughed against his lips, shaking his head.

"I _am!_ " he chuckled as he rolled Keith onto his back and crawled over him to kiss at his neck. Keith let his head loll back against the pillow, sighing and making small noises at the attention James was laving onto his skin and his lips. Though the other boy pulled back shortly and stared down at Keith with a furrow in his brow, "Are you sure?" he asked, nervous, "You're sure you want me?" 

Keith nodded, "Yeah. Yeah I'm sure."

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath, a smile and a rush of color flooding over him, "I love you." he breathed.

Keith reached up and cupped his cheek, smiling softly, _'One of these days I'll say it back.'_ he thought to himself. He could see that James understood that, even if it looked like it hurt when he didn't say anything in response. Keith made a sound of surprise at how James claimed his lips again, desperate and clawing and Keith slid his hands up James' shirt, hands drawing lines down his back with blunt nails when he managed to create a slight friction between them.

"Keith?" James gasped against his lips, "Keith do you want to-"

" _Yeah_." Keith wrapped his legs around James' waist and started to roll his hips. James responded in kind with a groan and a sloppy kiss. There was absolutely no finesse to it, just them rutting against one another and Keith arching up so his chest brushed against James'. He moaned and kissed at James' hair when he buried his face in Keith's neck, growing more desperate and making needy noises against his skin. Keith hugged him there, one hand buried in his hair and the other reaching down into his pants to palm and grab at his ass, pulling him into him and panting against James' ear.

"Gonna...ruin our clothes." James panted, and Keith nodded, letting out a whine when James reached between them and pulled his waistband down, grabbing his cock briefly to tug him free, and then doing the same to his own. He pushed Keith's shirt up, making a space on Keith's belly so they wouldn't make too big of a mess. Keith laughed breathlessly and then his face screwed up, jaw dropping at the sparks of molten pleasure that raced up his spine as James redoubled his efforts.

"James... _James_..." he was panting, moaning and gasping, and then he jolted with his orgasm and he heard James moan in his ear and they were both spent. James rested atop him and Keith ran his fingers through his hair, mussed by the night's sleep and by sex. He laughed again, barely audible and his chest quivered with it, shaking James and making him snort as he laughed in kind.

"I don't think either of us planned that." he sighed against Keith's neck, licking at a bead of sweat.

Keith tilted his head to grant him access and he hummed in delight at the soft bite James gave him. "No...no I honestly didn't expect that... _ah_." Keith's breath hitched a the hickie James was suckling into his collarbone.

"So," James licked at the purpling bruise and smiled at Keith's soft moan. "Was this you asking me to be your boyfriend?"

Keith stared up at the ceiling. Oh god. It really was. He snickered, and then he full-out laughed, hiding his face with his hands and groaning.

"Déjà vu." James murmured, rolling off of Keith and then grabbing a tissue to wipe them up with. Keith frowned as he cleaned his belly, muscles twitching beneath the feathery touch and making James smirk as he trailed his fingers teasingly over his stomach to tickle him. Keith huffed and tucked himself away before he rolled onto his side, tired and sighing.

"It's not like last time." Keith said earnestly, and James went still before he turned to face Keith with a questioning look. "Last time I asked if we could just be friends." he clarified. "And it won't...I don't plan on this ending that way.

"No, no I meant the whole...sex thing." James scoffed as he lay down again, pulling Keith close and kissing him messily. And when he pulled back there was another furrow in his brow, Keith waited, and he had a feeling he knew what James was going to say next. " _Umm_...what about Shiro?"

Yep. Keith buried his face in James' shirt, sighing heavily. "I...I think I'll always have feelings for him." he said, "But I've been letting those feelings _control_ me. I need to do what's right. He's always going to be my friend. I shouldn't expect more and I won't ask for it."

James had a hand in his hair again, stroking gently. "Okay." he murmured. And Keith sagged against him, nuzzling into his chest.

"It's not a school day, right?" Keith asked, muffled.

"No. You picked a Friday night to show up on my doorstep. Good timing, Keith." James chuckled.

Keith smiled and threw his leg over James' hip, growing sleepy again, "Good."

* * *

* * *

Keith woke to an empty bed, and he rolled over to touch the chilled space beside him with a frown. Though the rumble of the shower soon registered in his ears and he sagged against the sheets with a sigh of relief. When James emerged maybe five minutes later, toweling off his hair and not giving a damn about nudity, Keith snickered against his pillow. "You picked a weird time for a shower." he said sleepily. 

"Keith, it's  _two_ in the afternoon." James sent him a raised brow, and Keith stared at him for a moment while he registered he was right before he grumbled, rolled onto his belly, and nuzzled into the pillow. "You gonna sleep all day?" James asked, jostling him as he sat on the bed and tapped away at his phone. 

"I haven't slept this good for months. Leave me alone." Keith mumbled against the fabric, muffled and almost unintelligible. He sighed when James started threading his fingers through his hair. 

"Hey, so...are pet names gonna be a thing?" James asked, chuckling softly.

Keith squinted, turning his head and looking at him over his shoulder with a confused smile. "What?" 

"Like, do you mind me calling you baby?" James shrugged.

Keith propped himself up on his elbows and hummed, "I mean, do you  _want_ to call me baby?"

James set his phone down and turned to slide beneath the blanket next to Keith, and Keith rolled onto his side so James could properly spoon him. "I dunno. It was just an example." 

"An example that you wanna  _call me_." Keith grinned. James scoffed and threw his leg over Keith's hip, kissing his clothed shoulder. "Go on, try it." 

"I can't just  _say_ it." James said, incredulous, "It has to come naturally." 

Keith turned his head just enough to be able to see James, and he smiled softly at him. "What are you thinking about... _baby?_ " he teased, and James flushed with color, "Oh? Why are you blushing,  _baby?_ " Keith chuckled, and James shoved him good-naturedly in embarrassment. "Does it have something to do with  _this?_ " Keith reached back between them and James let out a huff of breath when he gripped his semi-hard cock, "Hmm, baby?" he smirked, "See? It's easy." 

"Okay stop, that really doesn't suit you." James mumbled. 

Keith bit his lip and rolled over, feigning hurt, "But  _baby_..." 

"Sto- _op!_ " James laughed, slapping his arm.

"Baby I don't  _want_ to stop." Keith chuckled, losing his grip on the gravely tone he had been using. 

"Please?" 

"No, baby." 

"Fuckin'- _ugh!_ " James covered his eyes and rolled onto his back, and Keith smirked as he moved to straddle him, leaning down to kiss at his bare chest and trail little nips of teeth and wet strokes of his tongue up to James' neck. He felt a twitch of James' dick beneath him, and he pulled back to level James with a hooded gaze. 

"Oh, you like that?" Keith asked in a low murmur, and then he leaned forward and rasped it in his ear: " _Baby?_ " James gulped and Keith snickered against his skin, kissing at the curve of his jaw. "I think you do." Keith said as he tugged his shirt over his head. 

" _God_ , Keith." James whispered, running his hands across the narrow plane of Keith's stomach and down to grasp his clothed hips as he ground down atop him. "You're ridiculous." 

Keith shrugged and reached between them to wrap his fingers around James' cock and firmly stroke him to full hardness. "You're the one getting off on it." he said, looking down to watch himself work. James quivered and bucked up into his tight hold, and Keith smiled as he leaned forward to kiss him. He closed his eyes as he listened to James pant and moan in his ear, and he sighed as he slowed his pace. "I missed this." 

James huffed out a laugh, "What? Me or mah- _ahh_...my dick?" 

Keith paused in his ministrations to kiss him again, slow and soft with a delicate slide of tongue that had James moaning lowly into his mouth. " _You_." Keith murmured, "I missed  _you_." 

James scoffed, but when Keith pulled back to look at him he was smiling softly and his cheeks were red with delight. Keith stroked his hair back from where it was starting to stick to his face, returning his smile.

He leaned down to lay a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling away to open the drawer at James' dresser and find that familiar little bottle. 

"I  _just_ had a shower." James complained when Keith paused to contemplate what he was going to do with it and went with spreading James' thighs. 

"Either way we'll both need one afterwards. Just take another one with me." Keith shrugged, pouring a generous amount of the lube on his fingers.

"I feel like that's a surefire way of getting us stuck... _mnn_...stuck in an endless cycle of... _fucking_." James articulated brokenly as Keith began to open him up. 

"You say that like it's a  _bad_ thing." Keith chuckled. James just rolled his eyes. Keith scooted down and took his cock in his mouth while he worked a second finger in. James' hand found it's way into his hair, and Keith hummed around him, looking up to see him looking back down with brows pinched together in pleasure. Judging from the way he whined and subtly bucked up into his mouth he wasn't going to last long once Keith got well and truly started. 

He was about to pull off to do just that when a knock sounded at the door and in his surprise James jolted. Keith gagged and choked as his cock went in too far, like...way,  _way_  too far. James winced sympathetically as Keith jerked away, hacking and coughing loudly. " _Keith_ are you okay?!" 

"M _'fine_." Keith rasped, tears in his eyes and attempting to smile up at him but ending up with a pained grimace as he coughed again. He definitely didn't sound fine.

"Goddamnit. Wh-who is it?" James called, and Keith muffled his next cough. 

"James, when you're done could you come work on our presentation with me like you said you would  _two hours_ ago?" 

"Shit!" James hissed, "Sorry Leif, I-I forgot!" he called, "I'll be there in a few minutes." 

"No  _please_ , finish up first." Leifsdottir called back, and though neither of them could see her it sounded as if she was smirking as she spoke. Her footsteps promptly receded. 

"Is that what the shower was for?" Keith whispered, and James slumped back in the sheets and groaned. 

"I'm sorry Keith, I really forgot I had plans today." 

Keith chuckled, clearing his throat. "It's fine, though I won't be sucking your dick again anytime soon.  _Fuck_." 

"Oh man, come here." James beckoned him and Keith went to lay down next to him, "Sorry about that." he said as he stroked careful fingers against Keith's neck. 

"Guess I gotta work my way up to that." Keith grinned, "I'm  _fine_ , James." he said, and then he sputtered and laughed, sitting up and covering his mouth when his glee descended into a second coughing fit. 

"Geez." James muttered, slapping his hand repeatedly against Keith's back to help him along.

"Sorry." Keith snickered, clearing his throat, "That was really funny...painful, yeah, but still funny." 

James smiled at him when he lay back down and heaved a wheezing sigh, "Glad to see you're definitely okay." he said, genuine and soft as he kissed him on his temple. Keith smiled and turned to bury his face in James neck, kissing lazily and without any ulterior motive other than to touch. James stroked random patterns down his back, and Keith started to feel drowsy again before James spoke. 

"You know, we've never been on a date." 

Keith opened his eyes and frowned, opening his mouth to speak and then closing it, unsure of what to say. He settled for a nod. 

"Do you...want to  _go_ on a date?" 

Keith pondered it for a moment, "I mean, I guess?" 

"You  _guess?_ " James parroted. 

"I've never been on a date." Keith mumbled. 

James chuckled softly and shrugged, "We don't  _have_ to." 

Keith was silent for a while, tapping his index finger on James' collarbone and contemplating. "I want to." 

James shuffled back just enough to look down at him, "Yeah?" 

"Yeah." Keith kissed his shoulder, smiling and looking away almost shyly. "You know your friend probably-" he gestured to the door.

James groaned and sat up, ruffling Keith's hair when he realized he had jostled him. "Right, Ina. Forgot again." 

" _Again?_  Aww. Am I that distracting?" Keith grinned, stretching out luxuriously while he watched James dress.

James shot him a glare that Keith knew was completely without ire. "Sometimes, yeah. You're more a pain in my ass than anything." 

Keith chuckled, "I'll show you a pain in the ass later." he said as he rolled onto his belly. 

"Come on. Don't give me a boner." 

"And then...I'll eat you out." Keith promised.

"For  _fuck's sake_ , Keith." James groaned, stomping over to give him a quick kiss, "Is this what I got myself into? Maybe I should call it quits while I'm ahead." 

Keith only kept his grin, "Nah, you like it." he murmured, snuggling into the sheets. 

"Don't sleep all day." James said.

"Who's gonna stop me?" Keith sighed as he closed his eyes. 

"Pfft! You're such a brat." 

"Bite me." 

James laughed as he made to leave. Though Keith heard him stop at the door, and after a relatively long silence he also heard a sharp intake of breath, followed by a soft: "I love you." 

Keith lifted his head just as the door opened and closed. He pursed his lips and rested his chin on his pillow, humming in consideration before a small smile tugged at his lips. He rather liked hearing those words. And he rather liked hearing  _James_ say them.

* * *

* * *

This was so  _weird_. 

Keith supposed it was a good weird, he just wasn't used to it. James was sitting next to him in class, in the cafeteria, and in the library, like... _right next_  to him. And he didn't mind the casual intimacy, though he tended to bristle at the gossip and attention it garnered from the other cadets. It wasn't like it was anyone else's business, and it made him nervous, twitchy and irritated by the feeling of eyes on him whenever James placed his hand on his shoulder or his arm, or even his thigh. 

"You got something on your mind, babe?" James asked, and Keith looked up from where he was pushing his food around with his fork. He took a moment to remind himself James didn't sit across from him anymore and he turned to meet a raised brow of amusement. 

"Okay now I get why you felt weird when I called you baby." Keith murmured, and James laughed. 

"You don't like it?"

Keith hunched his shoulders, "I do, actually." he said, "Just feels weird. I think it's cause we're not used to it yet...we didn't gradually build our way up to it." he said, and then he furrowed his brows, "You know we kind of skipped ahead of all the usual stuff in relationships and jumped right into discourse and sex." he added as an afterthought. 

James coughed on his sip of water, "I mean...um- _yeah_." he cleared his throat, only succeeding in a second cough, "But the inevitable fallout is out of the way now, so I suppose there's an upside to it." 

Keith nodded with a hum, "We haven't been able to explore things like pet names-" 

James snickered. 

"Okay we  _did_." Keith conceded, "Anyway, we haven't gone on dates and Valentine's Day and stuff like that, though." 

" _Aww_." James cooed, and Keith scowled at him, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. 

"What?" 

James smiled softly at him, "You're a regular sap. Who would've known?" 

"If I'm sappy then you are too. You brought those things up first." Keith grumbled. 

"I brought two out of three up." James corrected with a raised finger. " _You_ ," he pointed at Keith, and he scowled at him as he continued, "Brought up  _Valentine's Day_. Do you like chocolates or flowers?" he teased, smirking as Keith elbowed him, none too gently. 

"Shut up." Keith pushed his tray away to make space for his arms, propping his chin on them and pouting in response to James' teasing. 

"Brat." James leaned over and kissed his temple and Keith's eyes went wide, cheeks burning with a blush. "You're so cute." 

Keith scrubbed a hand over his face as he took in the few heads that turned their way in the cafeteria. He scowled darkly at them and most averted their gazes. Keith sighed and turned his face into his shirt, mumbling: "You wanna go on that date?" 

James hummed an affirmation, "Yeah. Where do you wanna go?" 

Keith shrugged, "I don't know, surprise me." 

"You sure?" 

Keith lifted his head to give James a deadpan. 

James raised his hands, "Just saying. What if I choose someplace you hate?" 

"Nah." Keith scoffed.

"Mmkay." James grinned, poking him, "Are you gonna eat those?" 

Keith slid his tray over, "Help yourself." 

James dug into his tater tots with utter glee. 

* * *

* * *

"Hmm." 

"What?" 

Keith smiled, twiddling his fingers and turning his gaze toward James. "I haven't been to see a movie in a while." 

James smiled back, reached down to grab his hand and stop his fiddling by threading them together with his own. "So you liked it, then?" 

Keith scrunched up his nose, "No, actually. The movie wasn't very good, kind of stupid and cheesy." he said, and then he smiled again, "But...I liked seeing it  _with you_." he murmured. 

James chuckled, turning Keith so he could kiss him well and properly breathless. Keith chased after more when James pulled back and he pressed a finger to his lips, inciting a pout. "You really are  _so_ sappy." he said, swiping Keith's hair away from his eyes. 

Keith blew at his face. 

"And bratty." James added with a smirk. 

"But you love me." Keith said as he turned on his heel and began a leisurely stride back to his hoverbike. If he swayed his hips a little more than necessary...he wouldn't admit it.

He gasped upon reaching his vehicle as James grabbed him by said hips and spun him back around, crowding him against the crimson metal of the bike and leaning in close. "I  _do_." he rasped, and Keith's breath hitched as he nuzzled at his neck and started planting open-mouthed kisses there. "Did you wear these pants on purpose?" James asked as he thumbed the waistband, fingers tugging on the belt loops.

"No?" Keith breathed, both hands loosely fisted in James' hair as he bit at his collarbone. "What...why what's wrong with them?" 

James made a strangled noise, shaking his head, "Absolutely nothing." he said as he pulled away from Keith's neck, grinning and leaning forward enough to bump noses, "They make your ass look  _incredible_." 

Keith scoffed and turned his head to the side, smiling and blushing softly. 

"Look at you, getting embarrassed." James teased, "You weren't embarrassed last night." he said in a rasp, and Keith bit his lip as James grasped his hips and slotted his thigh between his legs. He ground down instinctively and huffed out a sharp breath through his nostrils. 

"Depends on the mood." Keith whispered.

"I'd say the mood's pretty right for complimenting asses." James shrugged. 

Keith snickered, lips parting as James slipped his hands beneath the waist of his pants and cupped his ass, kneading leisurely. "Well then,  _ah_ -I guess you have a pretty good ass too." Keith panted, focus a bit drained by the steady back and forth glide of the thigh between his legs. 

"Aww thanks, babe." James kissed him soundly, tongue swiping into his mouth and making Keith moan as he started to crest toward a release. Though the moment was broken by the reminder that they were in public, and both jumped as a nearby car started up. Keith pushed James off of him by reflex and the other boy stumbled, laughing. "Fuck." he sighed as he scratched at the back of his neck. "You really  _are_ distracting." 

Keith grabbed the collar of James' jacket, hoisting him forward with a singular focus. "Your room or mine?" he practically growled as he swung his leg over his bike. 

"Woah! Third base on the first date? I dunno, I mean I'm not promiscuous..." James teased as he sat behind Keith. 

Keith smirked, looking over his shoulder, " _Felt_ pretty promiscuous last night." he shot back, and James' face went all dopey. 

"I fucking love you." 

"Yes you fucking  _do_." Keith grinned as he revved the engine.

* * *

* * *

"You ever think of wearing a crop top?" 

Keith scoffed from where he was typing away at his tablet, frustrated with his homework but feeling a bit less murderous after some lazy sex. He raised a brow as he looked at James, " _Really?_ " 

James bit his lip, eyeing him up and down. "You'd look really good in one. Especially with that red jacket." he finished with a whistle. 

"Not as if I can wear one.  _Definitely_ not regulation." Keith muttered to himself as he typed out an answer and then pressed his fingers to his lips as he rethought it. 

"So you  _would_ if you could?" James prodded cheekily.

Keith groaned and dropped his head down into his hands, "James...this...fucking problem is driving me crazy." 

"Let me help you." James shuffled over, letting out an  _oomph!_  as he got on his belly and peered at the tablet in Keith's lap. He laid a gentle kiss on Keith's thigh as he let his eyes rove over the problem. "Hmm. You see this here?" 

Keith watched him point to the screen, watched the little twists of his brow and the quirk of his lip as he said something funny, or maybe thought of something funny. He watched the way his thumb rubbed little circles into Keith's skin, the way his hair fell down over one eye if he was disheveled as he was now, the way purple eyes flickered up to him and caught him looking on unabashedly. Uncertainty, cautious mischief, and then fondness flickered through those eyes, and Keith's expression went terribly soft as he reached to cup James' face. 

"What's that look for?" James asked, barely a murmur. 

Keith hesitated, lips parting and so eager to say it, but...

_'I love you.'_

Three simple words. So easy and quick and painless. Why didn't they come to him when he  _needed_ them, he wondered? 

Keith sighed, bringing his other hand up to cup James' opposite cheek in kind, "Nothing." he rasped as he leaned down to kiss him.  

James grinned and tapped on the tablet, "Alright, don't be greedy, we just barely went a round." he said, "You've got to use this constant here-"

Keith's smile turned a little more forlorn. 

_'I love him.'_

So easy. So,  _so_  easy. Why couldn't he just say it? 

* * *

* * *

"You're  _gah_...gonna get us in trouble." 

Keith smirked and pulled off of James, a rather obscene pop echoing in the small space of the closet. And no, not  _that_  closet...a different one. They were supposed to be taking lunch in the cafeteria. But Keith had other ideas, and James loved that about him, despite his complaints. 

"Only if we get caught." Keith said as he pressed a kiss to the swollen crown of James' cock, looking up at him through his lashes while he opened his mouth and suckled gently, laving his tongue against the slit. James grabbed his hair and grunted, teeth grit to try and muffle his sounds of pleasure. 

Keith reached down to palm at himself and James pulled him off by his hair. Keith hissed, but he grinned up at James when he furrowed his brows breathlessly. "No.. _touching_." James panted.

"Oh yeah?" Keith unbuttoned his pants and pulled himself out, stroking lazily and raising a brow in defiance. "What are you gonna do about it?" he asked, leaning forward against the pull on his hair to lick at James again. 

" _Fuck_." James rasped, and Keith let out a gasp as he was pushed to the floor and accosted with hungry lips and tongue. He couldn't help but smile into it, reaching around James to grab his ass and pull him forward in search of that delicious friction. James grabbed at both his hands and pinned them above his head, and even though Keith could easily break out of it he let him hold him down, expectant, eager, and  _willing_. 

Keith wrapped his legs around James' thighs in lieu of his hands, gasping when James pulled away from the kiss to bite and suck deliberately hard at his neck, down to his collar. He was definitely going to leave marks. And Keith minded...but he honestly really didn't care in the moment. He'd scold him for it later. " _Mmm_...now we're  _definitely_ getting caught." he murmured as James nudged his legs apart and clumsily pulled at Keith's pants with his one hand. "You trying to fuck me right here?" 

"Damn straight." James snapped, and Keith chuckled quietly at his frustration as he helped James pull his pants down one leg and out of the way. "Did you  _plan_ this?" James asked as he realized there was no underwear to deal with.

Keith only smiled innocently down at him. 

"Motherfucker." 

"That's not very n- _nice_." Keith's breath hitched as James prodded at him, fingers circling and pressing into a still slick and loose hole. 

"Oh my god." James hung his head, scissoring his fingers lightly and making Keith writhe under him, "You really  _did_ plan this." 

Keith nodded and bit his lip at the whine that escaped him. James was so damned  _good_ with his fingers, he hit all the right spots and he had this particular way of twisting them that just.... " _Hnng!_  James." he moaned, body jerking and toes curling within his boots. James kissed him to silence him. 

"Shut up if you don't wanna get caught." 

" _Heh_." Keith scoffed and tugged him close with his legs. "Come on, James." he urged, bucking up against James and disrupting the easy rhythm of his fingers inside him.

"Okay. Okay." James muttered, reaching down to line himself up.

Keith's mouth fell open and he held his breath to avoid making any noise as James slid home in one smooth motion, burning and overwhelming and excellent. " _Fuck_..." he gasped, and then he was going still alongside James as footsteps began to echo down the hall. They got closer, and Keith jolted at the hand James laid over his mouth. And then his eyes went wide in a near-panic as James started a slow thrust, grinding and  _torturous_  and if they were alone in his room Keith would be making a hell of a racket. He couldn't afford to let himself here, and the strain of holding back had him biting his lip bloody, small noises choked down in the back of his throat and his eyes pricking with tears of pleasure. 

The footsteps passed by, and Keith sagged beneath James even as he began to thrust harder. Which just made him seize right back up and start letting slightly louder noises past his guard. Fuck... _fuck_ he couldn't do it. 

"James... _ahh!_ " he moaned as he arched his back and bucked into James' eager rut, and the other boy lifted his hand so he could kiss him. It was messy and mostly just lips touching as they panted and gasped and whimpered against eachother. "Ja- _ah_ -nnng!" Keith huffed out in an almost-pained sounding gasp, and when he blinked tears trailed down either cheek and into his ears, it wasn't the most comfortable thing, and he threw his head back with a whimper. 

"God, Keith." James moaned, kissing at Keith's chin and jaw because with his head tilted back like that it was all he could reach. James was slamming his hips against him now, desperate, noisy, and greedy. Keith went stiff only moments later, back bowing and tasting iron as he came he bit his lip so hard to stay quiet. If they were in his room...

Keith went slack and then James came with a stifled moan, "Fuck." James rasped, and Keith hummed in contentment at the warmth of James' release inside him. James kissed sweetly and chastely at Keith's bruised lips, a soft coo of sympathy leaving him.

"You forgot the condom." Keith said with a lazy smile, and James released his hands as he sat back on his haunches. 

"Wouldn't be the first time." James panted, stroking gently at Keith's thighs and appreciating the view. 

"I...actually should have brought underwear." Keith groaned, covering his eyes, "It's gonna get all over my pants." 

James snickered, "You best go clean up then." 

Keith scowled down at him, and then reached down, collecting what had dribbled out on his finger, and James watched with parted lips as he brought that finger up to his mouth and sucked it clean. He let the digit go with a lewd pop and a smirk. "Alright then." Keith snarked as he repeated the process, and James' dick visibly twitched in interest. Keith licked at his finger again as James pushed his thighs aside and furrowed his brow in concentration as he lowered his head. "No time for round two." Keith said in admonishment, and then he gasped, jolting as James starting licking at him. 

" _Fuck!_ " Keith whimpered, reaching down to fist both hands in James' hair. "Fuck... _mmnn!_ " he bit down on his knuckle as James thoroughly tongued him clean, and then James lifted his head, wiping at his chin and fixing him with a smug smirk. 

Keith sat up and reached for him but James stood and danced out of reach, almost bumping into the shelves. "No time, didn't you say?" he chuckled as he tucked himself away and then left the closet. 

"James!" Keith cried, gaping and incredulous. "Son of a  _bitch!_ " 

* * *

* * *

Keith grumbled and buried his face in James' side, garnering no response and letting out a huff. "James." he sighed, "It's  _late_ , turn your phone off." 

"Just go to sleep you big baby." James ruffled his hair and Keith rolled over, then onto his back, and then he laid a hand over his eyes. 

"I  _can't_ , James!" he whined. 

"Oh my  _god_." James groaned, setting his phone down and rolling to lay atop Keith, making him grunt with the weight of him. "Go to sleep." James commanded, and Keith shook his head. 

"Turn off your phone first, the light bugs me." 

James leaned forward to kiss him, "You're a brat." 

Keith wriggled beneath him before he smiled softly and traced his fingers down James' cheek. " _Your_ brat." he murmured. 

James took ahold of his hand and pressed kisses to the pads of his fingers. "Yeah." Keith shuffled and tugged James up for a hug, and he stroked his hands down his back, up under his shirt to scratch gently at his skin and make him shiver with goosebumps. "Could have just asked for a cuddle." James whispered, "Mmm...you're good at that." 

"Heh." Keith shrugged, "It's just back scratches. Really super easy, James." 

James nodded, "Yeah but some people scratch too hard and it hurts. And then there's people who just tickle cause it's too soft. You're like... _just_ right." he explained, sighing contentedly. 

"Hmm." Keith smiled, kissing James' temple and laying his head back. He eventually grew somewhat slack, hands moving mechanically and his thoughts growing more scattered as sleep began to overtake him. Though the movement and suspicious motions of James' arm had him peeking an eye open. "James!" he scolded, and the other boy snickered as he scrolled his phone. 

"Five minutes, babe." James shushed him with a finger on his lips, "It's important. Professor Montgomery changed up his schedule and I'm just changing mine to match. I promise I'll turn it off." 

Keith grumbled but resettled himself down to sleep with the comfortable weight of James atop him. He didn't see the way James paused as a headline caught his attention, and he didn't hear the sharp intake of breath, the cautious glance in Keith's direction. He didn't see the tremble of James' lower lip as he pondered what affect it would have on Keith. 

* * *

* * *

Keith hadn't been paying attention, his pencil moving in sure strokes over the notepad and his focus unhindered. He'd been working on drawing without a reference, but he frowned a bit at the ears on the hippo he was attempting. "Too small." he muttered to himself. He erased it and tried again, carefully. His tongue peeked out and his brows furrowed, but before he could finish there was a gentle tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see James looking stricken. His face ashy and his eyes awash with pain. 

Keith looked up at the front of the class and upon reading the words on the projected screen he stood abruptly in his seat, making it screech against the floor as it was pushed back. Everyone in the class turned to look at him, their instructor going silent and staring him down. Keith's attention wasn't on any of them. It was only on those words, that picture...that  _name_. His blood ran cold, lips parted and eyes stinging as the painful truth that this was real life swept over him. 

No.

No. No.  _No!_

He barely realized he was holding his breath until he released it in a long, staggering exhale that sounded aloud in the quiet room and ardently conveyed just what he was feeling in that moment. 

**KERBEROS MISSION DISAPPEARS PILOT ERROR**

After taking one breath it was like he couldn't stop, each one coming in more shallow and harsh and chilled until the room started to tilt and he felt light headed. Keith gulped, "I...I have to go to the bathroom." he rasped, and the instructor nodded, brows furrowed. 

Keith didn't bother grabbing any of his things. He skirted the tables and once outside he ran, not in the direction of the bathroom but to his room. Once there he locked the door and threaded his fingers into his hair, vision going blurry with tears and spotty from the impending inevitability that he was going to faint if he stayed standing. He went to his bed and sank down, wiping at his eyes at first absently and then frustratedly, because the tears wouldn't stop coming. He buried his face in his hands and wept, each sound rattling and quieted as he muffled himself. 

He grabbed his pillow and hugged it to his chest, gasping and trying to just breathe, trying to calm himself. It wouldn't work, he couldn't stop thinking about it, he couldn't stop shaking. He rolled onto his side and curled up, shoulders heaving as he sobbed quietly into his bedding. 

He fell asleep.

* * *

* * *

"Keith?" 

He stirred and then he blinked as his eyes welled yet again with tears, because even his waking thoughts were those glaring words: PILOT ERROR. 

"Keith, baby?" James was gently stroking his arm, and Keith's body was wracked with the force of his sob. "Goddamnit." James murmured, sliding onto the bed on his knees as he knelt over Keith. "Hey... _shh_...Keith, it's going to be okay." he whispered, his voice taking a wavering quality and breaking softly on the last word. "I'm sorry." 

Keith turned his head into the pillow and shook, reaching a hand up to cover James', at least to let him know that he appreciated his efforts. 

James leaned down and kissed his temple, "I'm so sorry, Keith." 

Keith rolled over and tugged James down into a hug not at all dissimilar from the night before, only this time he was sobbing wetly against his shoulder and heaving stuttered breaths as he tried yet again to calm down. 

" _Shh_." James cooed, playing with Keith's hair and kissing at his neck and shoulder, "I got you. It's okay, just let it out." 

"James...he- _I_..." Keith rasped, and then he just buried his face in James' neck and wept. 

"I know." James sniffled and wiped at his face, though Keith knew his tears weren't for Shiro. He appreciated them, he appreciated James' comfort. But he did wonder if it was possible to mend a thousand scattered shards of glass. Because that is what his heart felt like. Like someone had taken a fragile ornament and smashed it to pieces and then dug their heel against it to bury it in the dirt. He felt absolutely broken. 

"He was m-my friend." Keith murmured, hiccuping, and James nodded, "I... _loved_ him." 

James heaved a ragged sigh and nodded again, "I know. I  _know_ , Keith." he said, voice quivering, " _I'm sorry_." 

"Is he actually gone?" Keith asked, though he knew in space there was a perfect, one hundred percent chance that when something went wrong...you were going down with the ship. There was no one in space who could save you. 

"I..." James hesitated, and Keith heard him grind his teeth, "I don't know." he finished bitterly. 

" _James_..." Keith whimpered, turning his head to kiss him on the lips, solid and desperate and salty, he broke away to cover his eyes, and James swiped his thumbs under them to wipe his tears away. A futile task, but one he committed himself to all the same. 

"It's okay." James kept murmuring, "It's going to be okay." 

Keith quivered, closing his eyes and wondering what Shiro had been doing just a few days ago? The Garrison communicated with the Kerberos crew multiple times daily. So if they were declared missing it could only be recent. Had he been happy, fulfilling his dream? Had he laughed and joked with the Holts? Had he been thinking about what he would do when he got back home? Had he thought he would be going home again? Did he think of  _Keith_ at all?

Keith shook his head and nuzzled against James, breathing a wet, shaky sigh instead of his sobs. 

Everything and everyone else were going to be okay...but Keith wasn't going to be. 

* * *

* * *

"Hey, Keith." 

Keith looked up from where he was making little swirly patterns in the soap bubbles. He smiled in a sad, rather glum sort of way and turned his gaze back down as James sat down outside the tub. Two full days of tears and pain and then two more laying in bed until he finally felt good enough to get up and do something. James insisted he shower, frankly implying that he stank to high heaven in much more crass terms. During those days James brought him his homework with the excuse that he was sick to their instructors and helped him through it. Even though Keith spent the whole time staring at the wall and blinking rapidly or sniffling to keep more tears at bay.

"Hi." Keith murmured, and James reached out to swipe a wet lock of hair back from his face. 

"Feeling okay?" 

Keith let his head hang a bit lower to convey his answer, toying with a few suds in his hands. 

"I see." James gave a sigh, "Mind if I join you?" he asked, voice small and cautious, as if he feared Keith would say no. Like Keith would turn him away, especially now. 

Keith offered a more genuine smile to him and nodded, and James stood to strip down before he sank into the water behind Keith. Keith leaned back into the firm embrace of his arms around his, hands meeting at his sternum and thumbs stroking gently against his collarbone and his neck. "I'm sorry, James." 

There was a firm kiss to his shoulder, "For what?" 

Keith turned his head, letting James' forehead bump against his cheek, "For this. For just...shutting down." 

James shook his head, lifting it to press those same kisses to Keith's cheek, "Don't be sorry." he whispered, "You're grieving." he added, hugging Keith tighter and wrapping one leg around him. Keith placed his hands atop James' arm, sighing. "You're  _allowed_ to grieve." 

Keith nodded, breath catching on an unexpected lump in his throat. He blinked at the sting of tears. "James...I...I don't deserve you." 

James nuzzled against his neck, "Maybe. But I don't care." he said, and Keith laughed wetly, turning in place to press a salty kiss to his lips. 

"Thank you for being here." Keith murmured, and James threaded his fingers through his hair to pull him back into the kiss. 

* * *

* * *

Keith passed him a few days later, and it took him a second to realize who it was. He spun in place with a quiet gasp, biting his lip before he decided to call out to him, "Adam?" The officer paused, shoulders going stiff as he turned to look at Keith. Keith approached him, gaze downcast and his arms crossed in a guarded gesture. It made him feel small to be walking up to him, "H-how are you?" 

Adam heaved a sigh, his whole posture sagging as if it had been waiting to be free from the facade of being okay all day. 

"I mean..." Keith winced at how tactless he had come across as. "I'm...sorry. About Shiro." 

Adam took his turn to cross his arms, and if Keith didn't know better the pained, trembling breath he exhaled would sound like a scoff. "We warned him not to go. But I guess in the end it was his decision." 

Keith sighed and nodded, "Yeah, I...space is dangerous and-" 

"Hah!  _Of course_  space is dangerous. Everyone knows there's a risk involved with every launch!" Adam raised one hand, gesturing and looking almost hysterical, Keith blinked up at him, confused at the outburst and yet understanding of his pain. Probably better than anyone else on Earth. "But this was  _different_. And none of this would have happened if he had just listened to us! To  _me_." he finished, looking down solemnly, "His arm was getting so bad before he left..." 

Keith made to speak, about to offer some assurance before it all clicked. His lips stayed parted, eyes going wide and his sorrow slowly bleeding into a quiet rage. He gaped up at Adam.

"Wait..." he breathed. 

PILOT ERROR

PILOT ERROR

PILOT

_ERROR_

"You guys think Shiro is responsible." Keith murmured. It wasn't a question. Adam looked at him out of the corner of his eye, his scowl and his silence confirming it. Keith's brows furrowed, his breath coming in quicker and his hands moving to fist at his sides. "You...You guys are  _blaming_ him for it!" he exclaimed, teeth bared and eyes stinging with the coming onset of tears.

" _Keith_ -" 

"Shiro was the  _best_ goddamn pilot in the Garrison! Even  _with_ his disability!" Keith spat, bristling as he took a step toward Adam, "You know for a fact he would never jeopardize the mission! And you're  _still_ pinning the blame on him! How...h-how  _dare_ you?!" 

" _Cadet!_ " Adam barked, pained and angry and looking quite like he was seconds away from tears. Keith went quiet, gaze icy and his lips pressed into a stubborn frown. "Calm yourself." Adam added, tone even despite how his lip visibly quivered. The unspoken  _you don't speak to a commanding officer that way_  lingered in the air. Keith scowled up at Adam as he took a step closer, breath heavy and his gaze just as icy as his. "You're not the only one who loved him." he murmured, and then he turned on his heel, leaving briskly. 

Keith took a step back, the words more a jab than anything, they somehow felt like a physical blow. He lifted his head and ground his teeth as he watched him go, breath coming in sharp and harsh and his body shaking with anger. "At least  _I_  didn't give up on him." Keith whispered to himself. And even though Adam didn't hear, he felt more validated for saying so. Keith scoffed and shook his head as he left in the opposite direction. 

* * *

* * *

His talk with Adam - while painful and heated - it got him thinking, well and truly thinking about the incident, about the public explanation. And the more he thought about it the less it made sense. Weren't they already landed? How would they have disappeared if they weren't due to begin their return to Earth for another few months? How would they have crashed? How could the pilot make an error when there was nothing to  _pilot?_  It made him paranoid, made him suspicious and it made him angry. Volatile, a little out of control. 

Okay... _a lot_ out of control. 

Keith winced as he prodded the bruise on his cheek in the bathroom mirror, swollen and purple and yellow and definitely going to be there for a while. It was a stupid fight, one he shouldn't have gotten into, and he regretted it now but that was with hindsight. He jumped in surprise and slammed his hand on the light switch when the door opened, and he began tidying the various items on the counter in an attempt to look casual. 

"How you doing, Keith?" James asked, and Keith looked up through his bangs to see him in the mirror, sitting down on his bed and shucking his boots.

"I'm doing okay." Keith said, a touch of forced cheerfulness in his voice that made him wince at how fake it sounded and caught James' attention. 

James was quiet for a moment, and then he smiled sympathetically at Keith through the mirror, "You know you don't have to act like you're okay." 

Keith gulped and looked down, "I know." 

"You know I won't judge you if you're feeling upset." James continued, unbuckling his belt and tossing it the side before he lay down horizontally on the bed and heaved a weary sigh. 

"I  _know_." Keith murmured. 

James turned his head toward him and pat the bed, "Come here, babe." 

Keith hunched his shoulders, contemplating ignoring the request, but that would just make it worse, he wagered. So he strategically hid his face with his hair as he moved to sit next to James' knees on the bed, laying a hand on his thigh and squeezing gently. James' own hand came to rest on his back, stroking to and fro. "How was your day?" Keith asked. 

James shuffled a bit, propping the leg Keith wasn't touching on the rim of the boxspring. "Pretty good. I didn't see you at lunch?" he prodded. 

Keith fought the way he flinched at the statement, "I wasn't hungry today." 

James' silence conveyed his disappointment, "Keith... _baby_...I know you're upset. You can be upset all you want, but you gotta  _eat_." 

Keith nodded. 

"So you haven't eaten since breakfast?" 

Keith shook his head. Though for reasons other than his grief. Or...well, it  _was_ because of his grief, but not in the way James probably interpreted. Spending some time in Iverson's office getting scolded and warned wasn't exactly how he had meant to spend his afternoon. 

"Let me get you something." James grunted as he hoisted himself to a sit. Keith turned his head away, biting his lip. 

"You don't have to, I can go get something." 

James chuckled as he grabbed his boots. "Yeah but then I can't make sure you actually  _eat_ it." 

"You can if I bring it back here." Keith said, looking up and then making a noise of defeat. "You just took your boots off and I still have mine on... _James_."

James turned to him and Keith didn't look away fast enough. He winced as James' smile fell, gaze flicking between Keith's eyes, the bruise on his face, and the split lip. "Keith?" he breathed. 

Keith hugged himself and turned his head. "I'm on thin ice, I guess." he murmured. 

James moved to sit beside him, turning his chin and frowning empathetically as he carefully caressed the swollen skin. "What happened?" 

Keith pressed his lips into a firm line and looked down, "Some cadet...he was talking about Kerberos." he paused and closed his eyes, heaving a sigh, "About Shiro. It's common knowledge that Shiro's condition...and he...he said some things about him.  _Bad things_." 

James was silent, reaching to thread his fingers in Keith's and turning to look at the opposite wall as he mulled over something Keith could only guess at. 

"I'm suspended for a couple weeks." Keith continued, "Second offense. Apparently I'm out if there's a third, not worth keeping around even with my SIM stats if I can't behave I suppose. According to Iverson I only got a second chance out of respect for...for  _Shiro_. Heh...remember how my first offense was with you?" he tried for humor, and he bit his lip as James nodded with a sullen look. "Things sure change." he finished lamely. 

"Keith." James turned to him then, pain shining in his eyes and his lip trembling, "If...if you need to talk to me, about what you're feeling, about  _Shiro_ , about  _anything_ , no matter how much you think it'll hurt me... _please_." he grasped both of Keith's hands and raised them to press a kiss to his knuckles, hanging his head momentarily. "Don't find another outlet for your pain...I can help you." he continued, looking back up at Keith with shimmering eyes and a wobbling smile, "I  _love_  you." 

Keith gulped, taking a deep breath and then smiling through his suddenly blurred vision, "I love you too." he dared to say, his breath hitching in anticipation after the words left his mouth.

James gaped at him, a gasp escaping his lips when he registered that Keith had  _finally_ said it. And Keith welcomed the way he buried his face in Keith's chest, shoulders quaking and his hands gripping fiercely in Keith's uniform. He laughed against him, the sound dulled and muffled by a hiccup, "You...love me?" 

"I love you." Keith affirmed, and James gave another laughing sob. He moved to kiss Keith and he flinched, hissing at the sting in his lip. 

"Sorry." James murmured, pressing his kiss to the opposite corner of Keith's lip. "Sorry." 

"S'okay." Keith turned his face and kissed him fully, nary minding the sting and instead focusing on the way James melted against him, a soft noise of contentment accompanying his eager hands.  Hands that couldn't decide between fisting in Keith's hair or resting on his hips. Keith grabbed them and put them around his shoulders while he wrapped his own around James' waist, pulling him into his lap with a hum. Hell, it might have started going somewhere rather pleasant if not for-

"Food!" James suddenly exclaimed, breaking the kiss with a gasp and wiping his eyes, "Ugh...I was going to get you some food." 

-James and his horrifying ability to bring shit back up. He'd gotten on the cadets' bad sides more often than not by bringing up forgotten homework and quizzes. As his boyfriend, it was amusing...as a person in general, it was downright  _infuriating_. 

Even though he was used to it Keith couldn't say he wasn't a bit startled at the abrupt change in pace, but he laughed, "I can just eat some chips." he said as he tried to lean back in, continue where they left off. 

James raised a brow, lips pursed as he waited for Keith to get the memo. 

Keith groaned as he conceded, and James stepped up off of him, "Alright...cafeteria is closed though." 

James threaded their fingers together and tugged enthusiastically, "We'll go to town then." he said as he grabbed Keith's bike key. "Come on." 

* * *

* * *

"Say it again?" 

Keith smiled softly, chin tucked in the nook of James' neck and his shoulder. It had been hours since he finally said it. Finally declared what he had been feeling for a couple months now. And the day had been soft, tender and happy. Despite the dull pain of his loss that still ached deep within his heart, today was a good day. Keith turned his head and kissed at James' jaw, open-mouthed and wet and tender. His hand stroked down James' arm and then to his hip, around the back, fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his pajamas. 

" _I love you_." 

James' breath hitched, though whether it was because of his words or the subtle, pressing circles his fingers were massaging against him in the cleft of his ass Keith couldn't be sure. There was a smile on James' face, and Keith paused only briefly to roll toward the dresser and grab what he needed. Fingers slicked, he rolled back and pulled James' back flush to his chest, kissing his shoulder and licking at the bite he left there. James' breath began to come in more harshly, his leg lifting to grant Keith better access, and he gasped when Keith breached him with a second finger. 

"Keith." James moaned, rocking his hips back onto Keith's fingers and reaching up to grab a handful of his hair. 

"Love you." Keith murmured, and James' next breath was cut off by a hiccuping whine. "Get on your belly for me?" he suggested, and James rolled, moving to prop his hips up. Keith pushed them back down. "No, stay." he instructed, and James swiped his hair out of his eyes as he looked over his shoulder. Keith stroked a hand down James' spine, nails scratching the way he knew he liked, and then his fingers hooked in the band of his pants and pulled them down. James wiggled his hips to help him with the process. 

Keith spread James' thighs and eased his fingers back inside, leaning down to kiss and suck at the dimples on the small of his back. James shuddered, gasping and turning his face into the pillow. Keith used his free hand to spread James' cheeks and delved in with his tongue, prying a thin cry from his boyfriend's lips and making his back arch into the mattress. He curled his fingers down, simultaneously licking and suckling at James' rim. 

" _Ahh!_  Keith!" James moaned, panting heavily and reaching down to take ahold of himself. Keith pulled away with a parting lick, prying a third finger inside and thrusting his hand lazily as he kissed his way up James' spine. Upon reaching his shoulder he rested his chin there and smiled at James, who panted and moaned and started bucking into his own grip. 

Keith reached down to still him, cooing softly in his ear, "Not too fast, baby." 

His boyfriend writhed and huffed, turning his face into the pillow and leaving a wet spot of drool where he panted against the fabric. "Keith." he muttered, hips rolling up into the four-fingered thrust he was providing. "Keith  _please_." 

"Okay, okay. Patience..." Keith assured, cutting himself off with an awkward clearing of his throat at the way that mantra played through his head. The way he almost finished with  _yields focus_. He cringed and gulped as he looked down at the heaving, sweating back of his boyfriend and shook the thought away. He couldn't afford to let it keep any weight in a moment like this. "I got you." Keith added, slicking his cock up before he pressed inside James, a slow, languid slide that had him seizing up beneath him. James gave a stuttering moan and his fingers gripped tightly enough in the sheets that his knuckles went white. Back to chest, Keith kissed at his shoulder and moved, just as slowly, even tortuously so. 

"Keith... _nnng!_ " James gasped, shoulders hunched and head hanging down, chest heaving and his body rocking back into each powerful thrust of Keith's hips. Slow as it may have been, there was a quiet ferocity in Keith's motions, enough to have his boyfriend writhing and whining beneath him, breathless and overcome. He curled his fingers in James' hair and pulled, gently, prompting him to look back enough for Keith to lay a sloppy, desperate kiss upon his lips. 

"I love you." Keith murmured, and James' brows creased in pleasure, his lips gone slack and a low moan bubbling up from his throat. Keith tugged lightly at his lower lip, and then he moved his kisses down James' jaw toward his shoulder, hand bracing James' neck. "I love you." 

" _Keith!_ " James cried, reaching back to grab at Keith's ass and squeeze, pulling him harder in each thrust - if it were possible. "Fuck!" Keith reached beneath James and gripped his cock, tugging firmly until James' went stiff beneath him. A loud cry echoed in the room and Keith bit down into James' shoulder, muffling a rasping cry of his own and spilling inside James, his pace eager and stuttered toward the end. 

James was murmuring his name, reaching up and clawing at his arm until Keith moved to meet his pleading lips. He pressed and James licked into his mouth, teeth clicking together and making them laugh at the amateur mistake. 

"I should do this more often." Keith rasped, laying his weight atop James and kissing lazily at his mouth, lax and soft, saliva glittering in a thin string between them each time he pulled back. 

" _Mmm_. You should." James hummed, sagging against the pillow and moaning as Keith pulled away. He stood, panting, and made to fetch something to clean up, "No don't." James reached out to grab his hand, and Keith scoffed good-naturedly. 

"James-" 

"Lay down." James tugged, and Keith didn't even try to resist, sliding back into bed with him and straight into another lazy kiss. "Just want to be here with you." James murmured, hand stroking down Keith's arm as he threw a leg over his waist and pulled him closer. "I love you." 

Keith closed his eyes with a soft smile, "I know." 

"Keith..." James pressed the pad of his thumb to Keith's lower lip, and he kissed the calloused digit with a hum. 

"I love you." Keith added at his prompting, and James bit his lip, eyes growing glossy despite how much he blinked to try and fight his emotions. " _Hey_..." Keith chuckled quietly, swiping his thumb under James' eye. 

"Just been waiting to hear it for so long." James rasped, his tears not belying the wide smile on his face. 

"I know." Keith kissed the tip of his nose, "I'm sorry it took so long." 

James shook his head and moved to nuzzle his face against Keith's chest. "It was worth the wait."

* * *

* * *

They were doing okay. They were doing good. 

Keith found his days filled with a quiet domesticity that he rather grew fond of. It had been maybe a month since he heard of the Kerberos failure. And though he had pushed it to the back of his mind he still found himself agonizing over how incorrect and chock full of inconsistencies the official statement was. A normal citizen wouldn't notice, of course. But Keith was _studying_ these things, he knew about space and he knew about malfunctions and he _knew_ there was something off about the whole thing. 

James had pointed out that he seemed lost in thought more than usual. And he would grimace and apologize and try to return his attention fully to what he _had_ , rather than what he _lost_. It worked...somewhat. But it all came to a head when he was introduced to the new SIM test. 

As soon as the instructor began explaining his pulse started pounding in his ears, blood thrumming in a violent anger that had his nails biting into his palms and drawing more than crescents into the skin. Keith focused on his breathing, gaze turned to the floor and his limbs shaking as he tried to calm himself. He really _did_ try, but nothing worked. He felt the nudge of James' hip against his, and he couldn't even bring himself to respond. 

The instructor's words buzzed in his head, irritating and infuriating. Words like _pilot error_ , new tests for _insurance of health_ , and _improvised safety procedures_. He bared his teeth, hanging his head and grinding his molars as his ragged breath came through harsher. 

"Keith." 

The murmur in his ear had him snapping his attention toward James, and the boy recoiled a bit, blinking and gulping as he took in his scowl. 

"Hey...do you need to leave?" James whispered. "Keith, I can make an excuse for you." 

Keith should have said no, said he couldn't do this. But he shook his head and turned his attention back to the front. "I'm fine, James." he whispered, voice quaking. "I'm _fine_." 

James frowned, but Keith's eyes were up ahead. His team would go in for the simulation fourth. And the wait allowed his anger to fester into a near-panic that had him shying away from James' gentle efforts to comfort him. A hand on his shoulder, he hunched them and James pulled away, a light touch on his hand, Keith fisted his fingers and James stepped to the side, sighing. He wasn't _trying_ to be mean, and he wasn't trying to cause trouble either. But when their turn came and he sat in the pilot's seat, no James beside him to even attempt comfort and a complacent team that had absolutely _no idea_ what he was going through. It got to his head. 

Keith ran the procedures off his tongue, tone clipped and an almost watery quality to it as he attempted to rein in his passions. He felt all eyes on him and the joystick creaked beneath the grip he held it in. He took a deep breath through his nose and out through his mouth as they began the simulation. And fuck... _fuck_...even as his lips supplied the proper procedures, narrations of his actions, he was blinking rapidly to fight his emotions. 

"K-Kerberos crew...this is..." Keith began, and then he couldn't do it anymore. His teammates jumped as he threw the joysticks forward and unclipped from his seat, stumbling once on his way out even through the simulated crash. 

He pushed past the instructor and she grabbed his wrist, "Kogane! What are you doing?" 

"I am  _not_ fucking doing this!" Keith snapped over his shoulder, yanking his hand back with a snarl.

" _Cadet!_ " 

He continued his stride, ignoring her and the warnings she was calling out. He wasn't doing this. He _couldn't_ do this. 

He couldn't run through a simulation borne of falsified failures. Failures he _knew_ Shiro didn't commit, whether on purpose or by accident. He couldn't _do it_. Even if he got in trouble, even if he couldn't continue his Garrison training without running that simulator. 

"Keith!" 

He hugged himself and walked faster. "Leave me alone." 

"Keith, _stop!_ " 

Keith jerked away as soon as James got ahold of his shoulder. "Don't touch me!" 

"Keith." James reached for him again, and Keith whirled to grab for his hand, only for James to use his grip to his advantage and crowd him against the wall. 

"Go away!" Keith yelped, panicked, "I said don't _touch_ me!" 

"Keith. _Stop_." 

Keith let out a desperate mix of a cry and a growl, pushing and smacking his fists against James' chest and hiccuping on the lump in his throat. James endured everything with a passive sadness in his eyes, though granted, Keith wasn't hitting him all that hard. There was no fight in his actions, just a frantic energy and a despair that he couldn't rein in anymore. James grabbed his wrists as they grew sluggish, holding them to his chest, and Keith writhed half-heartedly in his grip. 

"Let go." Keith whimpered, "Let me _go_." 

" _Shh_." James only hugged him, and Keith finally sagged against him, hands moving to fist in the back of his uniform and his hiccups and wet breaths echoing in the empty hall. "It's okay." James murmured. 

Keith bit his lip and buried his face into James' neck, shaking his head and weeping mutedly against his collar. 

"Your team will probably get a failing grade, babe." James said. 

"I _can't!_ " Keith rasped, holding James tighter, "I won't do it. I can't." he turned his face away and blinked through wet lashes at the empty hallway. "Everything is _him_. The Garrison, simulators, the protocols...everything. I'm trying to forget. I'm _trying_." Keith sobbed and shook. 

"Keith, he would want you to keep going." James murmured, pained and heartbroken by Keith's words. 

"It doesn't make _sense_." Keith whispered, fingers toying with the edge of the belt at James' waist. "James it all doesn't make sense. He's...there's _no way_." 

"Keith, it's been a month." James held him at arm's length and Keith turned his gaze down the hall. "There's only a few weeks until summer, you can hold out and then you can take a break." 

Keith blinked and then looked up at him, "James, it's so _obvious_." he rasped. 

"What's obvious, Keith?" James prodded. 

"The Kerberos mission wasn't supposed to head back for another _two months_. What was Shiro piloting?" he asked, desperate for James to understand just how much his head was struggling with the story they had been told. James stared at him, a shimmer of doubt in his eyes. "What was he _piloting?_ How could he have made an error, James?" Keith was pleading with him to see, please... _please_ see it. There was something they weren't being told. " _How_ , James?" 

"Keith I know you're grieving-" 

" _How?_ " Keith was almost hysterical now, "Could he have crashed, or made an error," he hiccuped and his vision blurred, "If there was nothing to _pilot_ , James? Please I know you're thinking it too." 

"Keith you-" James gulped, tears glittering in the corners of his eyes, "You're... _tired_. Let's...let's go have you lay down." 

"James..." Keith cried, "Please, _James_." he covered his mouth and turned his face away, even as James gently led him down the halls, silent, brows creased and his lips pressed into a thin line. "I'm not tired." he whispered, "James." he looked at his boyfriend and he looked back, eyes soft yet clearly agonized by the conversation. "James I'm not delusional, I'm not crazy...I'm not in _denial_." 

"I never said you were." James rasped. 

"You were thinking it." Keith pulled his hands away from James' to hug himself. 

"I wasn't, Keith." 

"Yes you _were_. I'm not in denial." he said again, "If it made sense I know I'd be able to accept it." 

"I'm sure you would, babe." James sighed, sounding as though he was never more unsure about anything. 

Keith made a soft noise of a sob as they reached James' room, and while James typed in the code Keith stood to the side. Once the door opened he turned to James and cupped his face, still crying softly as he leaned in for a kiss, salty, chaste, and pained. A gentle push of lips and an apology for what he couldn't help. "I love you." Keith rasped, pulling back and hanging his head, he didn't look up to see James' response, he only turned and went to curl up on the bed. Because even if he wasn't tired, the weight of the world - of his grief and of his pain and his guilt over what he was still putting James through - was too much. Too much to bear standing up. 

"Baby." 

Keith curled further, hugging his knees to his chest. 

"Keith you need to take your boots off." James said gently, sitting beside him and reaching to do just that, touch light and feathery as he pulled his shoes off and set them down beside the bed. "Baby, _please_ look at me." 

Keith turned his face into his pillow. 

" _Hey_..." James nudged him, leaning over to press his nose against Keith's hair and then to press a kiss against his forehead. "I love you too. Keith I don't think you're crazy or delusional." he whispered, though Keith didn't miss how he left out the third option.

"I'm not in denial." Keith repeated. 

"Keith." James sighed, "You know-"

"I'm _not_." Keith said in a rasp, "You saw me during that first week. I was sad and then I moved on. I _really_ tried to. It doesn't make sense. That's why I can't do this, James." he turned to face him, if only just barely out of his periphery. "I can't pretend there's not something wrong with this." 

James stared down at him, looking every bit the definition of the word _lost_. He obviously didn't know what to do or how to respond. 

"Please." Keith murmured, turning his head into the pillow again, "Can I just be alone for a while?" 

James heaved a ragged sigh and Keith felt terrible immediately. 

"Okay." 

"I love you." Keith assured, "I love you _so_ much. I just need to be alone." 

James gulped audibly and hugged him, despite the stiffness in his posture. 

"Okay." James repeated, "I know you do. I'll be back after classes, baby." 

* * *

* * *

The hand stroking down his back made him wake, and seeing James with that sad smile made his stomach turn with nausea. He hated seeing him in pain. He hated being the cause of his pain... _again_. Why did it always come back to this? He was tired of hurting James. He rolled onto his back and reached his hand up to cup James' face. His lower lip trembled as he tried desperately to produce the right words, something to convey his regret over the morning's incident. 

"I'm sorry." was all he could say, and James just sighed, covering Keith's hand with his own. "Earlier...I don't know what came over me...I'm sorry for hitting you." 

James hummed an almost amused scoff at that, "Keith, that wasn't hitting." 

"I shouldn't have done it." 

James chuckled, "I know what your right hook feels like, babe. That was nothing." 

"Still shouldn't have." Keith murmured, trailing his hand down from James' cheek to his chest, where he rubbed soothing circles. 

"I forgive you, baby." James whispered as he leaned forward to kiss him. 

Keith accepted the kiss and sniffled, wiping at his eyes. "James...I..." he pressed his fingers into his forehead, "I'm so _tired_." he rasped. His free hand reached down to thread his fingers with James', squeezing in as much of an attempt at giving assurance as receiving it. "I'm tired of this place." 

" _Keith_." James almost gasped, "What are you saying?" 

Keith shook his head, "I don't know." he whispered. 

"You're not going to leave, are you?" James prodded, "Keith, please don't _leave_." 

"I...I can try. I'll try one more time, James." Keith sighed, "But I at least can't do the SIM. Not _that_ one." 

"The SIM's are influential to our grades, Keith." James said quietly, "You can't just _not_ do them."

"James." Keith bit his lip, closing his eyes and heaving a stuttering breath, "I really _can't_." 

James sighed and turned his head, "Keith...About that...Iverson wants to see you in his office." he said. "All the instructors keep asking where you are." 

Keith just heaved a sigh, "I suspected he might."

"Keith, you've been skipping class, snapping at teachers...I've noticed the grades too." James said quietly, "Do...do you think he might have decided to...?" 

"Probably." Keith sat up with a groan. "I don't blame him, I guess." 

"Keith-"

" _James_...it's probably useless to hope, I'm a mess." Keith interrupted, "I'll go get this over with." 

"Keith..." James grabbed his wrist as he tried to stand up, "Keith... _baby_." he rasped, leaning forward to kiss him and shudder, brows pinched and eyes swimming with a small fear. "Don't be rash, please. You've had a rough day, try to be civil. Try to get him to let you stay." 

"That's going to take a miracle at this point, James." Keith murmured. "Even a model student would be in hot water at this point and fuck all _knows_ I'm anything but." he said as he stood, "I'll... _try_." he said at James' pleading look. "No promises, babe." 

"I know, just-" James scoffed a wry laugh and shook his head, " _Please_ stay with me."  he whispered.

Keith slid into his lap and kissed him, fully and passionately and leaving no doubt for how much he loved him, how much he cared. "We'll see, James." he murmured as he pulled back, swiping his thumb over James' cheek and offering him a smile, sad and sweet. 

* * *

* * *

He knocked at the Commander's door and it opened after a muffled "Enter." sounded from the room. Keith did so, and he walked with his head held high, posture stiff and proper to sit in the chair opposite the Commander's desk. "Kogane." Iverson said. 

"Sir." Keith returned. 

"Cadet, I don't know what to do with you." 

Keith frowned and met the Commander's gaze with an attitude that probably came across as little remorse for his actions. It was true in a sense. Though there was a piece of him that felt guilty for ending up here. 

Iverson sat forward on his elbows with a sigh, "I know Shirogane saw a lot in you, though I personally can't see it too." he said, "This consistent behavior is unacceptable, your grades have been almost unsalvageable for a couple months now and this business with the new simulator is the straw that broke the camel's back." 

Keith crossed his arms and looked to the side. 

"Look, kid." 

Keith scoffed at that, he was _eighteen_. 

"You were close to Shirogane and the Kerberos failure must have done a number on you." Iverson continued. 

Keith raised a brow and shot him a look that said _You think?_

"I understand, and I can sympathize. Shiro was my friend too. But this is a military organization. We don't make exceptions for grief. If you're going to continue skipping classes and SIMs then I suggest you start finding work and a place to live in the city. Because you're not here to freeload." 

Keith ground his teeth together, heart pounding as the implications set in. Even though he knew this was the reason Iverson had brought him in today, it still incited a dull panic in him. The thought of leaving the familiarity and routine of his life for the past three years. "Are you kicking me out, sir?" 

Iverson stared him down cooly, "Unless you plan a miraculous turnaround before this year's final exams. Which, I might say, are due in a few weeks." 

Yeah. _That_ was impossible. There was no way he could fix the damage he had done to his scores and his grades by then. Keith turned his head again, thinking of what reason he had to even attempt that Herculean task. Everything about the Garrison was making him _miserable_. Everything reeked of _Shiro_ , and it was too painful, too glaring for him to ignore. Keith turned an apathetic gaze and was honestly tempted to mouth off, maybe he deserved to rant and curse and spit cruelties at the Commander as a last goodbye. But then James and how sad he would be filled his head. He had promised he'd try...

Keith's resolve stuttered. 

He pressed his fingers to his forehead and argued vehemently with himself. He couldn't _stay_. But James... He couldn't _forget_ Shiro. But James... He was _miserable_. But... _James_. He should try to stay, if only for him...

"I..." he began, and then he sighed. because what was he gonna say? 

I want to _stay?_ That was a blatant lie. A total, utter load of _bullshit_. He didn't want to stay. Fuck. He _couldn't_ do it.

"How long do I have?" 

Iverson furrowed his brow, inquisitive.

"I'm leaving. How long till I need to be off Garrison grounds?" 

Iverson sat back in his chair, crossing his arms, "I'll give you a week to get your resignation in order." 

Keith gulped, standing and offering a wave of his hand beside his head in lieu of a salute, "I'll pack my things." he rasped, and he saw Iverson blink at him when he turned to leave, as if he had expected a more violent goodbye. Maybe he was right to. But Keith was _tired_. He wasn't going to fulfill that expectation, just as he wasn't going to fulfill the path Shiro had painstakingly paved for him. He was _so_ tired. He couldn't make himself go on when the road only stabbed like blades against his feet and ripped into his palms when he tried to stop his fall. It was only pain, that road. It held only pain and grief for him. The only reason he had stayed this long was because of James. _For_ James.

Fuck. 

Keith pressed the heel of his palm to his forehead. He didn't know what he was going to say to him. Granted, they both knew this was the highest possibility of today. So...

He entered James' room and found him leaping to his feet from where he sat hunched on the bed, gaze lifting and hopeful, desperate for good news. What shards had been pieced together of Keith's heart were taken and cruelly broken as he watched James' face fall. " _Yeah_." he murmured, pushing his bangs away from his face and turning his head to the side, "I'm sorry, James." 

Keith gasped, stumbling backwards at the armful of his boyfriend he was holding in the next second. "Where will you go?" James asked in a rasp. 

Keith hugged him back, nuzzling his head into his neck and sagging, utterly exhausted by his day, "I don't know." 

James shook, if just barely, and Keith soothed his hand over his back, glancing around at the room that had become like a home to him. Heaven knows he spent more time in James' quarters for the past six months than he did in his own. They were melded into each other's lives at this point and the fact that they would need to detangle from one another ripped what felt like a black hole into his chest. The space hollow and aching...spreading until he felt rather numb. 

"You can get a job in construction? Maybe." James murmured against his shirt, "They've been expanding the borders in the city for a while and you could make enough money to get an apartment." he continued, "I could come visit you." 

Keith smiled ruefully, "That sounds good. I'd like that." he whispered. 

"And you've got your bike, so...so you don't need to worry about a car or anything." James sighed. 

"Yeah." 

"Keith." James sniffed against his shirt, "Fuck... _I_..." his shoulders quaked beneath Keith's touch and he laughed without mirth, "I can't remember what it was like to be without you. Ever since high school started you've been there _every_ day. Even when I avoided you, or you avoided me." 

"James..." 

"I _already_ miss you." James said, "You're not even _gone_ and it just _hurts_." he reached to clutch at his chest and Keith felt his extremities go cold with a prickling guilt. Every single time... _fuck_. He tilted James' face up and kissed him, he kissed him fiercely, tongue delving past his lips and both stumbling backwards a bit. He shivered when James let out a whimper. And then James was breaking away to cry against Keith's neck. "Sorry. I can't right now." 

Keith shook his head, " _Heh_. I wasn't...I was just trying to show you I love you." he assured, reaching his hand up to stroke through dark brown locks. "Always assuming I'm after sex." he teased. 

James snickered through his tears and sniffled, "I mean," he wiped at his face and pulled back to look at Keith, "You usually are." 

Keith shrugged, "Hmm. Sometimes." he sighed, swiping tears away with his thumb and smiling softly at James, "But not now." he murmured, "I love you so much." he said, brows creased and pained when the fact that he wasn't going to be seeing this face every day anymore finally sunk in. 

"I love you too." James rasped. 

"C'mere." Keith led him over to the bed and sat down, then laid them both down, pulling James close and hugging him to his chest. "It'll work out in the end. We'll be fine." he said. He ignored the dark whispers in the back of his head that told him he was a liar. That that wasn't true. He shook those thoughts away. "Everything is going to be _just fine_." 

* * *

* * *

_Fire..._

_His dreams were filled with fire. An eerie glow, orange on the one hand and purple on the other. He'd never seen purple fire before. He found himself drawn in that direction, and the world became a monotonous shade of violet hallways. He blinked while his eyes tried to adjust, and the strange hall - backlit neon and leading to a fork - compelled him to keep moving. He turned to look either way, seeing an orange door on the left while the right stayed a hall, holding a faint blue glow. The door stole his attention, but as he turned toward it an earth shattering growl pierced his ears. He covered them with his hands, crying out as he spun to see the glow was brighter. It seemed to want him to follow it._

_He cast one last look at the door before he answered the mysterious call. That hallway spanned ages. His feet grew tired and he paused to rest, and the growl came again, a little quieter as if to apologize for the way it attempted to shatter his eardrums last time. He flinched regardless, but he pushed himself forward and suddenly found himself face to face with nothing but blue and a pair of yellow eyes. He yelped as it encompassed him along with a burning sensation, one that tugged at his chest, gripping his heart and begging for him to come...to **find** it._

Keith sat up, pressing a hand to his forehead and then wiping at his skin when his palm came back sweaty. James grumbled something in his sleep beside him, and Keith stood to go toward the window, looking out and feeling that strange burn again. He panted, a pounding in his head and a pain in his teeth as he rubbed his hand over his eyes. 

"Mm...Keith?" 

Keith stiffened and turned his head ever so slightly. 

"What are you doing over there?" James mumbled. 

"Just..." Keith opened the window and sighed at the breeze that ruffled his sweat-dampened hair, cooling it and soothing him. "Got too hot." he explained. 

"Hmm. Just turn the thermostat down." James groaned as he rolled in bed, sheets rustling. "It's gonna be like a hundred degrees today. Close the window." he finished in a lazy murmur. 

"Okay." Keith sighed, though he must have spent thirty minutes staring out at the desert. Watching the sun start to rise, letting his thoughts drift, before he finally did as asked and slipped back into bed. 

James stirred and threw an arm and leg both around Keith, nuzzling into his shoulder and kissing his skin. "Go to sleep." James instructed, and Keith closed his eyes, though sleep never came. His thoughts were fully occupied by the need to follow the pull in his chest. Wherever it may lead. 

* * *

* * *

He dozed while James went to class, after a pleasant rousing from his stubborn lack of slumber to soft kisses on his cheeks and jaw. Keith had sighed and thrown his arms around James' neck, pulling him and his minty, toothpaste fresh breath in for a true kiss and having grumbled when James refused on account of his own morning breath. James left him with a firm press of lips to his brow. Granted the sweetness of his parting was dulled by the knowledge they both held, the quiet sadness behind two pairs of purple eyes. This intimate domesticity they had grown used to was now running on numbered days. All due to Keith. 

He wondered absently if James blamed him for it. If he figured Keith could have done better... _tried_ harder. Probably not. James was such a good person, too good to hold it against him. Then again, even the best of people hold grudges. 

At some point Keith rose and went to collect what little he owned that wasn't technically Garrison property. He bundled it all into a duffel and that was it. All in all accumulating to a small number comprised of his clothes, the dagger he often pondered the origin of, a few sketchbooks (stuffed and overflowing with used, loose pages), and one or two books that actually belonged to him. 

He placed his duffel in the corner of James' room, eyeing it every now and again while he occupied himself with his phone and one sketchbook that was relatively new. At some point during the day he took to referencing from a photo he had on his phone, one James probably still didn't know he had taken. Keith's lip quirked up as he traced the lines onto paper, delicate and lovingly. 

He was going to miss this. 

* * *

* * *

He had one night left, his resignation had gone through and his room was already being reassigned to a new cadet for next year. His Garrison uniform was gone, along with access to anything in the facilities except the exit. And James clung to him when they were alone, the inevitability of separation truly sinking in over the last couple days. 

"I don't want you to go." James murmured into his shirt, and Keith stared up at the ceiling, hands stroking down his back as he tried and failed to muster words of assurance.

"I know." 

" _Keith_." James murmured, though it wasn't the prelude to anything of meaning, just a sad sigh of his name and of longing, of a need for him to stay. 

It was too late for that. 

Keith jolted out of the trance-like stare he kept on the ceiling, sighing softly into the kiss James was pouring onto his lips. So soft and yet burning like fire, he was asking, and Keith was answering with yes, yes, _yes_. They had gone without for days, just basking in one another in every way except the most intimate. Keith surrendered to the way James pinned his arms above this head with fingers laced through his, knees knocking his legs aside to make room for his hips, canting and languid. 

There was barely room to gasp for breath between the slide of James' lips against his own, they weren't even joined yet and they already felt like one person, moving in a slow rhythm that belied just how desperate this was. Keith whined as James' hand made its way to his entrance, prying slicked fingers past, practiced in his efforts to make Keith writhe beneath him. 

" _James_." he whimpered, moving his free hand to push his pants down over his hips, kicking his legs to get the fabric off and away. James didn't help but he didn't impede his efforts either, he just suckled dark bruises into his neck and twisted his fingers inside him in the perfect way he did that made Keith clench his teeth and screw his eyes shut. His lips parted with a stilted, gasping breath and he exhaled in a hoarse moan, hips twitching into the grip James now held on him. "James...ah- _augh!_ " he cried out in surprise when he wrung his orgasm from him. 

His incredulous, heaving breath was cut off by the insistent slide of James' lips against his. Hungry, suffocating. Keith's body jerked when James kept moving his fingers inside him, a breathless plea borne of oversensitivity murmured, but no real request for James to stop. He locked his ankles behind James' hips and rolled them, coming out on top and then leaning down to let their foreheads thump together. He panted, eyes screwed shut because James just didn't _stop_ with his fingers. 

" _Babe_..." Keith whimpered, feeling James' opposite hand brush over his cheek, cupping his jaw and stroking softly. 

"I'm going to make the most of this." James murmured, and Keith keened as he crooked his fingers just so. He reached between them and Keith let out a gasp, rocking down when he felt the head of James' cock brush against his hole. 

"James." Keith sat back, his hand joining James and aligning him before he sank down onto him, a low moan accompanying the light burn of the stretch. He huffed out a sharp breath, looking down at James, who stared back up at him with hooded eyes, lips rosy and kiss-bruised, parted with his vocal breath. Keith rocked to and fro, a languid gyration of his hips, hands braced on James' chest and body quivering with exertion. 

"Keith... _fuck_...I want you to stay." James whimpered, bucking up into his slow grind. 

"I can't." Keith rasped, almost a sob, letting his head loll back and his eyes slide shut. James' palms spanned his belly and his thighs respectively, stroking and pulling him along into his lazy movements. "I _can't_." 

"I _want_ you to." James sat up, and Keith whined at the way he thrust up in kind, hugging him to his chest breaths mingling. "Please _stay_." he whispered, voice breaking. 

Keith hiccuped on his words, letting their foreheads bump together again, wiping his thumb under James' eyes to ride his cheeks of the salty tears. "I love you." Keith murmured, and James closed his eyes, nodding. " _Nnng_ , James- _ah!_ " Keith seized up and hung his head, jaw agape as he came for the second time that night, his body feeling like a cloth wrung free of water, almost _painful_ as it wracked through him. 

James rolled them and Keith let out a whimper while he thrust into him with abandon, knees pushed up to his chest and hands scrambling in the sheets for purchase. He was certain he felt the sheets tear under his fingers. _Fuck_ , it felt like forever before James finally brought his hips to a staggering halt, granting a searing warmth inside him and a stifled sob from above him. Keith kissed him, pulling him down from where he'd propped himself on his arms and drawing a ragged breath from his boyfriend. 

"Don't go." James murmured as he pulled back, peppering desperate, open-mouthed kisses down Keith's neck. Grinding into him even as he began to soften and threatening to arouse his libido again, if it were even possible. 

"James, _please_." Keith whimpered, body burning and tired. 

"Don't _go_." James repeated, and Keith gasped as he reached between them and coaxed him with a hand around his cock. " _Don't_." 

" _Fuck_." Keith wheezed, rocking up into his grip and then writhing beneath him when James started to mimic the action inside him. "James... _fuck_...fu- _ha_ -fuck!" he bit down on his hand to muffle the wrecked wail James was prying from his lips. 

"Keith." James sobbed against his neck, and Keith threaded his fingers through his hair to hold him there, half hugging and half holding on for dear life. "Keith _don't go_." 

"James..." Keith gasped, coming once more in a meager spurt, drained until he was empty. James grunted, still grinding into him in chase of his second release. " _God_." Keith whispered, gone limp and then heaving a groan as James filled him once more before he sagged atop him. 

Keith immediately wrapped his arms around James while he cried. Murmured repeats of "Don't go. Don't go. _Please_ don't go, Keith." to accompany his tears. Keith was surprised at how little he himself cried, a single tear here and there while he let James pour everything out. Keith shushed him now and again as he hiccuped, slowing in his emotional cascade until he was just sniffling softly, stroking his hand down Keith's arm. James was kissing him after he had calmed down, sighing into it and pulling back with a groan to wipe at his face. 

Keith watched him from where he lay, utterly spent and exhausted, his decision cemented in his head and his heart aching for him to reconsider. It was as if James knew. It was as if he _knew_ and that was why he had been so desperate tonight, so _sad_. He knew, and Keith wished he could take away his pain. He wished he wasn't so _stupid_ , wasn't so dismissive in their early years. He wished sometimes that he had reached out to James when they were younger, and maybe it wouldn't have ended up like this.

He reached to thread his fingers inbetween James', offering up a weak smile and a lazy blink. 

"Will you be here in the morning?" James asked, staring down at the floor from where he had moved to sit, legs dangling off the bed. 

Keith didn't respond, and James didn't try and prompt him to. He merely stood and made his way to the bathroom to clean up. Keith followed him, stumbling over weakened knees and the deep-seated ached of his loins. He joined him under the hot spray of water, and they just stood there, clutching one another and James shaking as his tears threatened to return. 

* * *

* * *

Keith pressed his forehead to James', sure now that he was asleep, breath even and eyes no longer fluttering with the need to open and look at Keith. To make sure he was still there. Keith sat up, quiet and stealthy in his movements as a cat. He dressed, pulling his jeans on and then his shirt, his jacket, stuffing his bike key into his pocket before he moved to shoulder his duffel. He paused to lay the paper down on the dresser, though he knew after this maybe it would be more painful than endearing. He went back to the bed, kneeling down to press a kiss to pouty, parted lips and making James shuffle a bit in his sleep. 

"I'm _sorry_." 

The whisper, barely audible and yet feeling loud as a thunderclap in the quiet room, was what finally broke him. Keith covered his mouth to muffle the sob, choking on it and breathing in tiny, silent gasps as he sniffled and wiped at his eyes, stroking a stray lock of hair back from where it was stuck in the corner of James' mouth. 

He stopped at the door to look back, and then he heaved a sigh as he exited the room. 

He couldn't have known he was never asleep. He didn't see James open his eyes, lip wobbling and his hand pressing to his forehead as he rolled onto his back, a wet sigh and a rasp of " _Fuck_." echoing in the room. 

* * *

* * *

Keith stared at the fire, lips parted and eyes wide as tears tracked trails through the dust on his cheeks. He didn't look up to meet the curious, purple gaze he knew was boring holes into him...he _couldn't_. It hurt worse when it was brought back with such startling clarity, and with added details, added _perspectives_. He would have thought the memories alone would be enough to make him sad, maybe bring him to tears sometimes. Though after everything he had been through, he supposed it wasn't often that he took time to recollect on the mistakes of his youth. The memories grew fuzzy and unclear, distant and pushed away in a subconscious attempt to forget.

"Keith?"

He hugged himself a little tighter. They were close, but not close enough yet that he would have divulged this information of his own will. Hell, he still hadn't told Shiro, and he had been in space with him for a year now. But the abyss did like to show things that he wasn't ready to speak of, it was as if it sought those particular memories out. 

"You loved him." 

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It was true and it was _painful_ and it was made worse by the fact that Keith hadn't thought about James in almost a year. To have everything he'd done, all the pain he had caused James, laid out before him yet again and with an audience, no less...it was a sundering thing. It could have broke him if he hadn't done that himself two and a half years ago. 

"Yeah." Keith rasped, finally looking up when a large, suited hand laid over his own.

Krolia smiled, a sad understanding in her eyes that he supposed no one else in the universe could ever match. "You want to talk about it?" 

Keith stared at her, his mother, having only truly known her for maybe four months now. But he knew her better than he had ever known anyone. And that was saying something. The abyss had forced them to share so many intimate details of one another's lives, it was like they had lived them. It made Keith feel older than his meager twenty years. Older than the universe itself, knowing two minds instead of solely his own. 

He heaved a sigh and gave a small smile, weary and pained and hiding the weight of the world. It was time. He thought he had started down this path long ago, but being older and wiser he knew now he never had. It was time to start _healing_.

"Yeah, I do."

**Author's Note:**

> I killed myself writing this because in the beginning this was all a crack ship. You should have seen how many times I went to my sister crying: _"I love them so much I don't wanna break them up! I don't like writing sad endings! I never write sad endings! Why did I plan this series this way?"_
> 
>  
> 
> _*Sigh*_
> 
>  
> 
> Well, now to write part 6, the finale. We'll see if I can fit _this_ one into 5k words or less lol...I probably shouldn't count on it.
> 
> Come see me on [Tumblr](http://crazyaniknowit.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Crazyaniknowit)


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